Making this OUR year, one month at a time.

  So, last month, Dave and I got the opportunity to travel to Santa Monica, CA for  a few days. He'd won a contest at work at selling the most STARZ programming, and was in the running for a similar trip, to Miami, FL. On March 12, Dave took a little break from work, and as he stood there looking at the calendar, I happened to ask him if he'd heard anything about the trip to Miami, if he knew if he won or not. He told me that he had and I got all giddy. I had NEVER been farther East than North/South Dakota, and was praying he'd win so we could go on another WELL NEEDED Vacation. With winning this trip, I will have been able to say that I have touched the Pacific Ocean, The Gulf of Mexico AND now the Atlantic Ocean. I"m honestly looking forward to flying again. I don't know why but I absolutely LOVE flying and wish I could do it all the time. We leave for Miami on April 3rd and will return home on April 6. Unlike Santa Monica where we didn't have as much time as we thought to be together, we will have 90% of the time to ourselves and could end up with at most, $1,000 in spending money.  We have a meet and greet the day we arrive, then breakfast with everyone on Friday and a Pool Party on Saturday night. The rest of the time is all ours to do with as we please. Because we don't have any transportation, we will most likely spend our time on the beach or at the pool.
  Lately I've been considering becoming a Flight Attendant. I was told that some people don't think I would be able to do it, others think I'd be great at it. I don't know why, but I think it'd be a job I'd love although I'd miss 5 ankle biters like crazy. I know it'd be a lot of strain on my marriage, being gone long periods of time but at the same time, it'd help us get on our feet. Dave and I have discussed this a little bit, and will be praying about it, but something keeps telling me to give it a try and see what happens.  I'm weighing the pros and cons and really looking into it before I make any permanent decisions. Like my title says, I'm going to try to make this our year, one month at a time. I've got a lot of goals, but the most important ones are to get on our feet, keep a positive attitude/outlook on things, and get into Shape. There are a few things I want to do that requires me to be fit, there's Spinderella, an all woman's bike ride, and of course, Relay for Life. I know you don't really need to be in shape for that but it helps. I've already made a little progress on some of these things, and pray each night that I can keep the stamina or improve it. I'm not perfect, never claimed to be, but I want to be the best ME I can be and this year I'm going to focus working on that. I'll post more about my trip when I get home. Until then, I hope everyone has a great remaining Month.

Treasure Every Moment

    "Treasure Every Moment". It doesn't matter if it's a good or a bad moment, just treasure it. Why the bad moments do you ask? Well, this may be my weird way of looking at things, or maybe I'm just plain crazy, but think about it, the bad moments are what builds or defines us. HOW do they define us? Well, take my situation of losing all our things in Auction. It was a really bad situation, and rather than moping and being depressed all the time, I took that moment, and turned it into a POSITIVE. I let a LOT of my things go that were donated to Deseret Industries, kept telling myself that they're just things, they can be replaced and have tried to move on. I am seeking justice, possibly facing a law suit, but not out of revenge. I want to stop this guy from doing this to anyone else. I admit, it would be nice to get some sort of money for my things, but my main goal is to make the public aware of what kind of business this guy runs and maybe stop him from doing this to others. I was given a chance to take the things that were mine, out of Deseret Industries, but though grateful, told the management that it can go to others who need them more than I do. The road isn't over yet, and though it's hard, I try to keep positive but I do. With how my year is starting out, it's enough to make people throw their hands up in the air, shout "I give up" and just be negative all the time. Though it's been tempting, I look to the little things in life and find a smile each day. It's truly amazing how even the littlest things can change your mood in a second.
   "Treasure Every Moment". Since I was put in the Library at church, I've basically become a social recluse or outcast. Nobody talks to me, I feel like I'm totally avoided, and when I try to spark conversation with anyone, it doesn't last long. Sunday, as I was in there organizing things, Brother Mardis stopped in and asked how I was doing. We talked for a little bit and it was one of the best moments I've had thus far. Nobody comes in to see me unless they need something. On occasion, the few friends I have there will stop in and say hi because they know that I feel like I'm in a "hole" when I'm in the library, so to have my Home Teacher come in and talk with me, it felt great. That's a moment I'll definitely cherish. I cherish the first time I laid eyes on Mason. He was this fluffy little thing squished into a small kennel with his 2 siblings. At first I wasn't interested in him, but as we watched all 3 of them in the little "Adoption Room" he caught my eye. While his siblings were fighting for our attention, he cowered under the chair, and when my eyes met his, he peed on the floor. It was an instant connection, this shy little ball of fluff wanting nothing more than somebody to love him. It was truly love at first sight and a moment I've treasured. I also treasure the day I had to say goodbye to him forever. It was the worst day of the year for me, and for him I'm sure. As I held him, waiting for the Doc to come in and end his pain, I looked him in the eyes, and he looked back into mine, thanking me for taking a chance on a shy little puppy so many years ago. That one moment, when our eyes met, that moment, is a moment I have treasured. That was the one moment when our souls basically reached out to each other, where we were able to talk to each other, understand each other, and know how much we loved each other.
   "Treasure Every Moment" to me, is a very powerful phrase. Good or bad, every moment is a moment that can define you. I have no regrets, been hurt too many times in my life to count and will likely be hurt many times to come, but how we handle what's thrown at us,  THAT's  what defines us. "Treasure Every Moment" because the next one may just be your last.

Positively 2014

 I can honestly say that I won't miss 2013. It was full of good and bad, and totally ended on a bad note. Though my sister got divorced, her endowments a month or so later, made a sweet new friend, and my brother and his family visited TWICE this year, all the bad things that have happened this last year don't need to be repeated in my book. I was told that I am not a likeable person, another person told me that I should move where nobody knows everything about me, maybe then I could make friends. These two ladies made me think about how I interact with others, what I value in life and how negative I really am. One of my largest problems I have is that I feel like I'm never understood. People don't really take the time to get to know me, they just scratch the surface and leave it at that. I have a LOT that goes on in my life, things that nobody really knows about and when others look at me, they don't stop to see what's going on, they just assume I'm a bundle of negativity instead of the truth that it's all fear, insecurities, and sadness. This past year, I found one sweet woman who actually took the time to get to know ME, not just the surface, but ME. She has been inspiring to me because she deals with pain each and every day, struggles with how others treat her and is just as misunderstood as I am. She has been a little ray of sunshine in this storm of a year, 2013.
  The day before Thanksgiving, I lost an Aunt, Sandra. She was the oldest of my dad's siblings, and wasn't very close to us at all. It wasn't a total shock to me and for those of you who are reading this thinking "that's horrible" well, you should know the family first. Anyway, her passing reminded me that I had some things in storage I wanted to make sure didn't have water damage from our previous floods. Thanksgiving Day Dave and I loaded the boys in the truck and headed out to our Storage Unit. He'd been trying all through October to get a hold of the owner of the units and let him know we were getting him a payment, but never heard back from him. We went to our units and saw there was no red locks indicating we were near auction with our stuff, so I got the keys, and tried the locks. To my horror, the locks were changed, so Dave called the owner again when we got home. Miraculously, he answered and told us that he'd auctioned our stuff off the weekend before and that it'd been in the paper for a few weeks. He didn't seem to care that we didn't get the paper, or that we'd been trying to get a hold of him. I was crushed and just so upset. I had all my belongings in there, wedding certificates, documents, 35yrs of Stuffed Animals I'd collected, cars, toys, clothes, EVERYTHING was in there, gone.
  I got lucky and found the person who bought our stuff, the following day, by accident. I found him donating some of my things to Deseret Industries, and asked him for a few things back, namely my wedding bouquet and a wooden Tiki that I had inhereted from Grandma Wanda. He agreed to get them to me if he still had them, but everything else was pretty much gone. Anyway, during the holidays, we focused on building a case against the storage company for wrongfully selling our things. We tried to enjoy family, my brother and his family's visit and each other. On January 2nd, we found out that my sweet Great Aunt Ann, my grandma's sister, passed away on the 30th of December. On January 3rd, my Dad's other Sister, Marre' passed away as well, leaving an immense ache in my heart as they BOTH were wonderful women who had an impact on my life. Their funerals BOTH were held on the same day, at the same time, but in different states. I went to Aunt Ann's and it was BEAUTIFUL. With the deaths in the family, losing all my belongings, I've done an incredible ammount of soul searching. I have decided to make this new year as positive as I can. I have started this year out pretty rough, but am determined to finish it on a positive note. Dave has won an all expenses paid trip to Hollywood for him and I in Feb. He is also entered in a trip to Miami, FL that he'll find out about on Valentines Day. This year I'm putting ALL my faith in the Lord, focusing on him and centering my life more around him than I have in the past. I am not faithful in posting on my blogs, so for now, my goal is to do 1 entry a month, maybe more if I can.

Rocky Road, Keeping Chin UP!

 So, I have to say that besides January being full of Birthdays for my family, it was a pretty tough month for me. We experienced 3 deaths in the month, starting with my uncle's mother, Helen McInelly. Though I only met her a few times, she was a nice lady and will be missed. The 2nd death was my Great Uncle Robert. He was my Grandpa's brother, and just an awesome man to be around. I wanted so bad to go to his funeral, but because it was in Oregon and there was a nasty winter storm comming, his widow, Great Aunt JoAnn, requested we stay here, so we honored her wishes. The last passing really shocked me, and I can honestly say that I still don't believe it to this day. The 3rd person to pass away was a great man, a longtime friend of my mom's, and a "2nd Father" to me, was Stuart Wray.  Mom says she knew Stuart since she was 14, that his mother was her Mia Maid teacher, and somehow they got back in touch with each other a little over 3yrs ago.

 I say that Stuart was my 2nd Father because I could talk to him about ANYTHING and he'd really

sit down and listen. It was easier to talk to him than my own dad, and he really let his light shine. I have a lot of fond memories of him, and will NEVER forget what a great man he was. I can remember being at home on a hot summer day only to hear the doorbell ring. When I answered the door, there stood Stuart, in his bike gear just biking over for a visit. If he wasn't riding, he drove and we would just talk about anything. BUNCO was always fun when Stu was your partner, he would joke around or if the mood seemed right, ask how things were going. Once, I found a recipe for a unique cake online and wanted to give it a try. Mom said I could make it for a dessert at BUNCO, so I did. Almost everyone thought it looked quite disgusting, but Stuart got a kick out of it, ate it, and LOVED it. He asked for it a few times after that, today, I regret not making it for him again. Stuart was a great man, and I will truly miss him and his extreme kindness. As February ends and we enter March, I pray that the months just get better and better.                                                                        

 

Happily Welcoming The New Year!

  Well, I'm thinking this year is going to be a good one, at least I'm PRAYING it will. Don't get me wrong, 2012 may have started out rocky, but it was definately full of firsts. It was my first time visiting/living in Texas, first time I've been away from Dave longer than a day or 2, and first time seeing the Gulf Coast up close and personal so to speak. It was the first time I was called to Young Womens, Dave's First time speaking in church EVER, and Heather wanting to get back into church and going through the temple, for herself.
  I will admit this year gave me a lot of anxiety. I wasn't sure how it will be with how last year started, but since day 1, it's been fairly good. I received 2 gift cards for $85 each, for turning in my phone to T-mobile, which came in handy for a few things. We have budgeted our funds so well this first paycheck that we're actually ahead of our bills for the month. When my Birthday rolled around, I was nervous, last year it was HORRIBLE and I wanted so much to make this one better.
  I started it out by taking Dave out to breakfast on my last gift card. After breakfast, we went to see The Hobbit. It was a 3hr movie, but well worth it.  We spent the whole day together and weren't very bothered by anyone. On the 6th, we celebrated it with family. We had Upsidedown Spaghetti for dinner and Heather made me a cake. It wasn't as "all-out" as she's done with everyone else prior, but it was nice and I liked it. I haven't really had much tension or fighting this year and don't plan on it. I have a lot of "resolutions" or goals for this year, starting with finding the positive in everything at least once a day.
  I'm also trying to drop the remaining 30lbs I need to and am starting to cut drastically back on soda. I am drinking more water, and am trying to listen to my body more.  We're working hard on our budget and saving, and hope to be able to move out onto our own again SOON! We'll see where this year takes us, if we're blessed with kids of our own or what kind of other callings we'll be in. I look forward to many more firsts and a very good year, it is what you make it, right?

 

Young Womens and ME

  The photo above is of the Young Women's Values: Faith (White), Divine Nature (Blue), Indivitual Worth (Red), Knowledge (Green), Choice and Accountability (Orange), Good Works (Yellow), Integrity (Purple) and Virtue (Gold). Since I've been put in as 2nd Counselor in the Young Womens, it's started me thinking about my life, and how I'm living it. Each Sunday as we say the Theme, I wonder if I'm living it, and am a good example for the girls.
  I won't lie, I've had a pretty unflavorable past, one that many people would frown upon, but it's just that, my past. I KNEW what I was doing at that time was wrong, but  I did it anyway because I was curious, and I wouldn't change that for anything. I lived with somebody of the opposite sex BEFORE marriage, but NEVER slept together. I drank, tried smoking (that ended quickly) and wasn't living like I should. I turned things around with Dave when he joined the Church, and have strived to live the gospel, though I've slipped a few times.
  Last year I got my recommend back to attend the Temple, just in time to try to heal myself from the false accusations I recieved by my "boss" at the time. This year I attended the temple a few times, and desire greatly to go again, SOON. I missed my primary class dearly while I was in Texas, and looked forward to seeing them upon my return. It was short lived because a few months later, I was released and put into Young Womens. Since I've been in, I've been struggeling with trying to connect with not only the Girls, but also the Presidency, and Advisors. I'm having a hard time trying to do my job because I STRONGLY feel like one of the women is trying to take over everyone's job, and I don't know how to address it without hurting feelings.
  I had a long talk with the Advisor in Young Womens today, and it's refreshing to know I'm not the only one who sees this going on, and came up with TACTFUL ideas on how to address the problem. She agrees that Young Womens isn't going to function properly as long as the Presidency is not in sync with each other and that it needs to be handled quickly. Anyway, knowing the girls can and probably have already picked up on the contention and what's going on, I've decided to focus on MY "Job Description" and what my calling entails. I am going to "strive to live and act upon these values" and be that example for the Young Women that I should be. I'm going to challenge the girls to do their Personal Progress and work on mine as well. I want to be more than just their leader, I want to be their friend.
  This upcomming year, I'm going to focus on bettering myself and finding ways to live my calling. I want to be successful and also want to improve my relationship with my Savior. I pray that this upcomming year will be a good one, and start out better than this year did. I also hope to keep updated on my blogs more often, talk to others more and keep up with family far away, we'll see what changes I make in 2013!

Growing

  There's a lot of truth to this saying, how many times do we focus on the past, rather than build our future? This year started out pretty cruddy for me, and it took me to a really dark place. I didn't think very highly of myself, didn't like the way I looked, and was just completely destroyed as a person. The saying is true, you really have to reach rock bottom before you can start rising up to the top.
   I had a LOT of time to think about things while I was living in Houston,  I wasn't watching Harper any longer, so I had the whole house to myself during the days, and at first I was terrified. I would watch TV half the day, then sweep the house, wash dishes and then play around on the computer. When Dan and Chrystal came home, it was dinner, then TV after Harper's bath and bedtime. I made it a point from the day I landed in Houston, to the day I returned home to Idaho, to write in my journal daily. I didn't have a specific topic, mostly wrote about how my day was, then there ewas a change. Instead of always writing about the day, I'd incorporate how I was feeling that day.
   Since I've returned home, I haven't kept up on my Journal like I've wanted to, missed days, weeks, even months, but when I get a chance to sit down and write in it, and attempt to get caught up, I put stories in it, memories of good times, things I want future generations to know about me, what I was like, and just get to know how I ticked. I haven't really had too much time to myself, except when I'm working but those times when I get to sit and deeply think, I think about the ways I want to improve my life and make myself happy. I've started focusing on the Gospel more, trying to build a relationship with my savior, and strengthening my relationship with my husband. I try to think or look for 1 thing that's positive each day, and on the days when I think about the negative things that've happened in my past, I try to think of the positive things.
  This year alone I've been truly blessed, starting off with weight loss. In January, just before I flew to Houston, I weighed in at 175lbs. With the few months of exercise, the Green2o and Sxinney, and being more aware of what I'm eating, I've managed to lose 20lbs. I'm currently weighing in at 159lbs, and have even dropped down to 158. I don't have so many downers and though I hate the way my teeth are decayed or missing, I'm smiling more than I have in years. It's refreshing to get into clothes I haven't been able to wear for years. I struggle still, but not as much, and when faced with a problem, I try to work it out, or ask for help. I'm learning to not be so hard on myself, or to let people push me over and take advantage of me. I don't know how much progress I can make or am making, but I'm putting forth the effort, and that's all that matters, right?

VACATION!!!

 This was taken 2 days after Dave got into Houston after going 3 weeks without seeing me. March 2, 2012. We took Dan and Chrystal to lunch at Lupe's. Dan met us there because he had to work, and Chrystal took the day off to take us to our Rental Car.

I will honestly say that I will never forget this day. Our waiter was Jesus, and when Dan told him that we needed lots of chips because "I" eat them all, I told him after the waiter left "Dan, I can't believe you lied to Jesus." Dave, Chrystal and I laughed at that and then we got our meal after waiting a while, and enjoyed each other's company. After lunch was over, Dan went back to work and Chrystal took us back to the house to pick up our insurance for the rental car. Harper decided we needed to wait before we got to the rental place, so he could eat. After all was said and done, Chrystal got us to HERTZ and we got our car about an hour later. It cost us an extra $220 because our insurance didn't cover it, but it was ok. They issued us a 4 door, "Espresso Black" Nissan Sentra. I liked it and was quite terrified to drive in Houston traffic for the first time. Armed with Dan and Chrystal's GPS we went out and headed shopping. We figured that it would be best to get the groceries first and surprisingly I had no problems with traffic or getting to MOST of the destinations. After shopping, we headed back to the house and gathered the rest of our things and set off to Galveston for our week together.

Dave and I decided to grab dinner at Chik-Fil-A and when I put it into the GPS, it took me to the heart of Houston. I was so frustrated when I found out it took me to a mall that I just said screw it and headed to Galveston without dinner. When we got checked into the condo and everything put away, we decided to head out to Wal Mart and maybe find a bite to eat. We got the little stuff we needed at Wal Mart then stopped by Sonic for dinner <----BIG DISAPPOINTMENT!! All in all, it was a GREAT start to a well needed and cherished vacation with my husband!

Bentley Austin Larimer

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to introduce to you, #13: Bentley Austin Larimer. He made his appearance January 17th at 2:05pm. Bentley weighed in at 6lbs 5oz, and 19 1/2in long. Heather was given an epidural but didn't have time for it to kick in. Before long, she was holding Bentley in her arms.
   I love being around the little ones, and Bentley makes #13 in the line of Nieces and Nephews for me. It saddens me that I wont' get to bond with him or get to know him for much more than 3 weeks, but it'll be good to get to know Harper. I am thankful to my family for trusting in me enough to let me near their kids. This situation with my "friend" and her kids has really destroyed me mentally and emotionally, and though I find myself second guessing myself and questioning how I am with the kids now, it's comforting to know that my family trusts me. It's good to know that they know that I would NEVER hurt a child, and encourage me to lend a hand.
  Though I'll be missing out on about 7months of Bentley's life, I look forward to watching him grow, and see his little personality emerge. I look forward to getting to know Harper, helping him grow and learn. Because of my situation at hand, though people tell me I need to get out of child care all together, I cannot. Like I told my younger brother today, because I have no kids of my own, it helps to be around everyone else's. Children are my passion, and I can't just walk away. I'm sure people won't fully understand it, kids aren't for some people, but for me, well, I invest not only time when I watch children, but my heart as well. All I want for the kids I run into in my life, is their well being, to make an impact on their life, and help them learn and grow. To those of you who have never lost faith/trust in me with children, thank you. I lost my confidence, and my aim is to get that back while I'm with Harper, Dan and Chrystal.

Happy Birthday To Me.......Yeah Right!!!

   The cake says it all!  Here's the story, I've had a really hard time with some issues that has come up with a "friend" lately, and I haven't had a dry eye since Tuesday night. This friend won't talk to me or work through these issues with me, and yes, it is VERY upsetting, especially with what the whole thing is about. SO anyway, the title of this post is "Happy Birthday To Me......Yeah Right!!!" well, here's why it's that.
  Because of all the stuff going on since Tuesday night, I have taken Advil PM for my anxiety in hopes to sleep. I had no problems Tuesday night with it, but last night, when I took it, it took me FOREVER to fall asleep, and like clockwork, I was up by 7am this morning, and my instant thought was the situation I am in. The tears started flowing, heart continued to ache, and I just lied there, wishing I could re-do this week and change some things. The things that I'm accused of, loss of my job be it permanent or temporary, and the possible loss of a friend. Then when I open up Facebook, see the birthday wishes pour in, touched me, but not as deeply as I needed it to. I wish I could enjoy my birthday but the emptiness inside of me is overwhelming and won't go away, no matter how hard I try.
  If the emptiness wasn't enough to deal with, my dear sweet husband tried to fix me breakfast in bed. I absolutely LOVED the gesture, but couldn't eat what he fixed as he had pepper in it, which most of you know, doesn't agree with my tongue issues. He cut me apples instead, and I was greeted with the apples and a very happy 23mo. boy saying Happy Birthday to me. It was a little ray of sunshine in this dark storm I'm weathering. It's hard for me to make the best of my "special" day when I've got myself into a deep dark place. I'm trying, but today everything seems to go wrong. I was supposed to go to lunch with my sister, but instead, I wait until 3pm for Dave to get back from running an errand. I didn't get my paycheck from the School District, money I was counting on getting. So when we go to the store to find a cake, Dave, Troy and I were looking at them. I didn't want a white one, and really don't care for the whipped icing, then I ran across the one in the photo. The brown horse was origionally standing up. I joked with Dave and told him that we should get it because it had a dead horse on it. Yes, in my head it was the perfect tribute to my day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and well, I saw myself as the horse that gave up, lied down in the river and drowned itself. Why try to have a good birthday when it seems like all I am doing is beating a dead horse. Then when Heather got back from the store with it, she told me about the 2nd horse falling over, I just shook my head and told her, "It's typical for the day I've had". I know I'm negative, and YES, I did remind myself of 2 positive things (referring to my Jester's Jungle Blog entry) today, #1: Although I feel so alone right now, like nobody understands me or what I'm going through, I AM loved, and can see it the most in the shiny brown eyes of that 20mo running around the house all day. #2: It doesn't matter how depressed I am, how hard I am on myself or what I've done or haven't done, my husband loves me with all his heart. I KNOW this, but there are so many times where I don't feel loved or understood. I cannot lie, I hope the rest of the night gets better, and look forward to it being over with....

Showing a little Face....book!

 I chose this picture for my post, because in my mind, it's the road of life. We can choose to veer into the field to the left, and make bad choices in our life, or to the field to the right, and live the right way. I've been doing a lot of thinking, not just because of the holidays, but because that's what I've been doing to try to understand why I have my bouts of depression. Anyway, I had quite the interesting Chrsitmas Day, and though I'd LOVE to express my thoughts like everyone else on Facebook, I'm doing it here, a little more private, and more than likely, more raw as well, hence the title, "Showing a little Face.....book!" Anyway, I thought I'd share with you guys how my Christmas Day went down, and the things I learned about/from it.
    Although I no longer feel welcomed there, Dave and I drove to Jerome to visit his Family on Christmas Day. When we got there, nobody was home, so we spent a little time together enjoying each other's company and the smell of the Turkey cooking in the oven. Before long, the family came home, and I went out to the truck to charge my phone. Jacob got out of his vehicle, brought 2 gifts to my truck and said they were for Rj, the son he has with another woman. I let him put them in my truck, and then he told me he wanted to come with me to see him. I had to go there to pick a picture up and said that was fine, but he had to let everyone know where we were going. We had to wait an hour before we headed over there, and when the time came to go, as I was heading out the door, I heard " Where are you guys going?". I was too far away to hear what was answered, but Jacob's wife came to the truck and asked " Are you going to go see that B*&@$" and Jacob replied "No, I'm going to go see my son." and she slammed my door. After laying into her about slamming my door, we all got ready to pull out when Dave's dad came running out of the house, hollering for Jacob to come back and talk to him. He did, and as he got to his Dad, I sent Dave to make sure facts were set straight. Things began to get pretty ugly, and I was ready to gather our things, get Dave and head home. I heard Dave's dad say that Jacob was throwing away his family for a child nobody else can get to know, as that was said, Dave stepped in and started telling him that the child's mother WANTS him to know his dad's family. Before he could finish his sentence, his dad told him to butt out and that it was none of his business. One thing lead to another and the boys got in the truck and we left.
   When we got back, Dave's mom was in her room, his dad took Jacob into another room and  talked to Jacob, and Dave walked over to Dana, looked her in the eyes and had a lengthy lecture/talk to her. She tried to deny the extent of her involvement on the situation, said the kids weren't allowed near RJ because she wasn't and all other kinds of CHILDISH crap! Dave told her that he didn't care how or what happened, all that matters is the children at this point. He told her that it wasn't fair the kids got to know their "sister from another mister" but aren't allowed to know their "brother from another mother".  He didn't care how either came to be, it was childish to punish the kids just because both mothers don't see eye to eye or like each other. He also reinstated what we've been saying all along, she and Jacob need to leave  phones off or at home, drop the kids off  with the grandparents and go somewhere and talk. From there, he went into his mom's room to talk to her.
   I didn't hear much of that conversation, other than I went in and told her myself that Rj's mom wants him to get to know them and everyone else in the family, that I would make arrangements for them ALL to meet him. By this time, dinner was ready and we ate, and went about our Christmas business. When we left, we went by the Hospital to visit Dave's grandfather for a little bit. On our drive home, I found something out that just got me floored. While he was talking to her, Dave's mom told him something that I suspected for a while would happen. There's people in the family who firmly believe/think that the family is having problems because David decided to join the LDS church. Yes, I was quite mad at hearing this, seriously, do you have to be that ignorant? I just can't really understand how people can be so, ugh, I can't even find the words for it. Blaming family problems on a different religion as yours is like me saying I don't have kids because my sister has tattoos. Seriously folks, religion doesn't really cause problems, no matter what kind of religion it is. People cause problems, and if you're out accusing others and their beliefs for those problems, you're a big coward.  What gets me even more is that Dave and I are really not included in the family. I have began to consider ourselves "Black Sheep" because nobody on that side ever talks to us with the exception of Jacob or Rachel, unless it's about a birthday, we're never kept in the loop on what's going on in the family, and when we try to make contact, well, honestly, I've had a better conversation out of a wall. Despite feeling this way, I'm working with Rj's mom to get them to meet with Dave's family. I'm focusing on my husband and myself, and at this point, like I've told Rachel and Jacob, I'm gonna be there for Jacob, Rachel and the kids. Everyone else doesn't want a thing to do with us, well, that's their problems. I'm sorry, but "I Love You" are just words if you don't act on them, I have learned that by experience. Family used to be so important to me, and now, I wonder. Really, what does it mean anymore. I was thinking about the old saying "Blood is thicker than water" well, I've added a twist to that, "Blood is thicker than water because of all the CRAP in that blood." I'm done ranting, so I hope you all enjoyed, I enjoyed quite a few aspects of my Christmas with the In-Laws, but am glad it's over. Happy Holidays.

Patience Pays OFF!

 Ladies and Gents, I am so happy to announce that.......Dave and I are......................well we're expecting. Yup, we're expecting to go to the temple sometime this month. Yeah, I went there, me of all people. Anyways, it's been about 4yrs or so since Dave and I have had a VALID Temple Recommend. Today, after some work, we got our recommends. We still need to talk to the Stake Presidency, but that shouldn't be hard to do, and before the end of this year, we WILL make it through a session.
  I can also say that we're in the habit of paying tithing on a regular basis. Though I'm having some tough times, ups and downs, and feel like I'm always on a roller coaster, right  now, life seems to be getting back on track. It's a long road, and wont' be easy, but with the right support from people, I know I can do it. Today as I was waiting for Dave to get out of his interview, I looked at the Young Women's theme that was hanging on the wall. It was different from when I was in Young Womens, they added another value, and another line, but other than those changes, I knew it word for word, and I thought "That's what life's like, never the same, always changing." We can take the changes as good, or take them as bad, it's all on how we handle them. Thanks to my older brother's wisdom, I'm changing my outlook on life and how I handle things in them. It's a rough journey, and not a quick fix, but I'm willing to make the changes I need to.

TURKEY DAY

 Ok, let me start out by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING! So it's not so happy for Turkeys everywhere, but what can we say, those birds are just so darn good, especially deep fried! Anyway, this week has been quite busy for me. I woke up Sunday morning with a really nasty headache. I figured it was due to a toothache, so that Monday morning I called the dentist. They said they could get me in at 10am, that morning, so Kaitlynn and I went. Before we went, I also made an appointment with my doc to be re-checked for a UTI. Kaitlynn had the experience of a lifetime there. Not only did they give her a balloon, but they let her take the X-Rays of my teeth, and spent some time with the receptionist. The dentist went to drill, and ended up busting off the whole face of one of the teeth. Sadly, I wasn't surprised something like that would have happened. After the dentist, I went back to watching the kids, and took it easy the rest of the day. Tuesday morning I went to the Doctor with Dave and the kids. They waited in the waiting room while I peed in the cup and found out that I just had a yeast infection caused by the meds given to me to cure my UTI.  We went home, got lunch and naps squared away, and when kids left and Mom got home, went to fill my prescription. We got all our shopping done for Thanksgiving dinner, and called it a night. Wednesday was spent baking pies, picking rolls up and cleaning. Mom did majority of the work, I tried to keep the kids out of the way. As I was online getting coloring pages, I somehow screwed up my part of the computer, and spent about 5hrs trying to fix it, we thought it was fixed by the time a VERY frustrated Jess went to bed.
  Dave and I slept in today, it was nice to be able to feel rested when we got up, had breakfast with the whole family and I found that my computer problem wasn't fixed. I spent about 3 1/2hrs trying to fix the problem, and I am VERY PROUD to say that I did it. I had a nice time with my family, cuddling with Tucker while watching the new Conan movie with Dave, laughing at/with Marsh and just relaxing and reflecting on life in general. I am thankful for my family, we don't always get along or talk to each other, but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. We have our quirks, but who doesn't? Hope you guys have a very happy Thanksgiving.

Reflecting

  Today my newest nephew, Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, is officially a week old. I was able to see some more pictures of him, and though I wanted to post a photo on here, I didn't because I haven't gotten permission from the parents. Anyway, with his birth, being around Tucker, Josie, Troy, Kaitlynn and Madison, and watching Heather prepare for Bently arriving into this world, adding my friend's new additions to their family, I've done a lot of thinking back on things, and though I shouldn't live in the past, it helps with the new editions around me.
  I joke that I was the first kid in my family to give my parents a grandchild. I'm pretty sure everyone has their doubts, but I know deep down in my heart that I was expecting, and lost that baby shortly into the pregnancy. At the time I lost the baby, I had suspicions that it was a miscarriage but wasn't 100% sure. I didn't dwell on it, but it was always in the back of my mind. Then when my sister in law miscarried, her and my brother came over and they described the whole thing, what it looked like, what she felt and all my doubts were wiped away. I knew right then that I had miscarried, and Dave agreed. What they were telling us, was exactly what I experienced, and they described it as if they were there when it happened.
  About a month ago, we went to Deseret Book for a few things. While we were looking around, I found this painting and instantly fell in love with it. When I read the caption, it brought tears to my eyes, because that painting depicts how I feel my baby that I lost is being cared for. I lost that little one so many years ago, but I know it's in good hands, and if I do what I am supposed to, I'll have a chance to hold that little one in my arms, to love it and raise it in the next life. I truly love my Nieces and Nephews, the little kiddos that are in my care, and have been in my care, but just once, I 'd love to be able to not have to give them back, to keep them and raise them. I've read my patriarchal blessing, Dave's too, and even though it's hard, I have the faith that the Lord has something special in mind for me, and I have to abide by the Lord's time, but it's so hard. I struggle to keep positive, have hope and faith that my turn will come. I am happy for my siblings, I love their kids, but dang it, I wanna be part of the Mommy Club dang it!!!!!
  I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, that's not my intention. I'm trying to just get feelings out that I can't seem to put into words when I TALK. Yes, I am jealous of everyone having babies, being unable to have any of my own, everyone says to not think about it, but when I say " I give up" I'm told not to. I don't think anyone fully understands that I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of having the hope that someday I'll be a mother, exhausted and I really don't think I can do it anymore. I say I give up, but really, I just don't want to think about it, and need to just focus on myself and other things. I have issues, those issues need to be resolved before I think of kids, and I have to ignore my biological clock in the meantime. I have to focus on putting my faith in the Lord, and remember that only HE knows what's best for me. Right now, I'm gonna love the little ones in my life with all my heart, and be the best Aunt that I can be for them. I really am happy for my siblings, and welcome Harper with open arms and a open heart.

Lucky #13

  Ok, for years I've been saying that 13 is my lucky number. I know that a lot of people think that particular number is jinxed  but it's always seemed to bring me luck.
  I was lucky to share 13yrs of my life with the best friend I could have ever had. I don't care if he was a dog, Mason was my best friend and I could count on him come hell or high water. He helped me through 13yrs of a roller coaster ride that at times, I wanted more than anything to get off of.
   Now, 13 is the number of Nieces and Nephews I have between the Hollingsworth and the Lage families. We have on the boys: Isaac, Matthew, Joshua, Tucker, Troy, RJ, Andre, Harper and Bently will be coming soon. On the Girls, we have: Sara, Faith, Destiny and Josie. Our newest arrival came on November 9, 2011. He is Harper Tritz Hollingsworth and I am a very happy aunt. I look forward to meeting him in a few months but until then have to settle with pictures. Mom and baby are doing just fine. He was born at 7:03am, weighed in at 6lbs, 2oz and is 18 3/4in long. From the pictures, he's adorable and looks a lot like his mommy (Sorry Dan.). As you all know, I've wanted kids for a really long time, and though it's really hard to see everyone else having the one thing I desire, I want those of you who know my situation, to know that I am genuinely happy for you guys. Dan, Chrystal, thank you so much for keeping me UTD on things, nobody really understands that it's easier on me if I'm included in the loop so to speak, rather than people hiding it from me or worried it'll upset me. I don't like feeling like everyone has to hide their pregnancy, or happieness because of me, it makes things harder for me. I may not be a mother or have kids of my own, but to be included in the lives of my nieces and nephews fills that void more than anyone will know. Once again, I am so happy for the new parents, and can't wait to meet you in person Harper. Aunt Jess loves you much more than you will ever know, just as much as your cousins!

Quite A Night

  Ok, so on Friday night, Dave and I took the kids out and walked around the stores for a bit, then picked Pizza up for dinner and headed home. It was snowing nicely, and when we got towards the house, I saw a white pick up pull out of the driveway, and head the opposite direction as I was. The car in front of me immediately flipped a U-turn and flagged the truck down. Thinking it was a little odd, but thought maybe they knew each other and somebody forgot something, I pulled into the driveway and went in the house with Dave and the kids. Not even 10 minutes went by when we heard a knock on our door. It was our neighbor telling us that somebody just ran into one of the cars in our driveway and the person fled the scene. She said her and her husband flagged the driver down and got her license plate number. Police were called and that was the beginning of an exciting evening.
  As mom was on the phone with dispatch, I walked in and told her that an officer was already there, and by the time she hung up the phone, two more arrived with lights flashing. I went next door to fill Nicole in on what was going on, and as I was talking to her, you could hear the woman who hit the vehicle (it was a Cadillac that my brother sold an hour prior to being hit) refuse to cooperate with the police, and fight them. It took 3 officers to cuff her and get her into the back of one of the squad cars, all the while trying to calm her boyfriend down as well. I guess what had happened was she was going to see her boyfriend who lives about 3 houses away from us. She pulled into the neighbor's driveway (the ones who flagged her down) almost hitting them, then into our gravel drive way, then into our other driveway hitting the Caddy. What I saw when I was heading home was her backing out of the Caddy and leaving.
  Marsh, Emily and the kids showed up shortly after police arrived, and Tucker went nuts over the flashing lights. Once all was said and done, everyone froze and the police left, we resumed business as usual. It was not until 3 days later that we found out that they published it in the local paper, address and all of where it happened. The woman was charged with a DUI and I THINK resisting arrest. It's rarely dull and boring here at the Hollingsworth residence. That's what makes our life fun and eventful, and isn't it what makes memories too?

Ooohh MY!

  Well, the title and picture basically say it all. My friend just recently found a guy after being divorced for a year. She has a full time job, does odd jobs on the side to make ends meet, and though she has custody of the kids ALL the time, she has to pay CHILD SUPPORT! Her ex found out that she found a guy she really likes, and the kids totally love, and he freaked. Although engaged himself, he tells her he misses her, wants her back, and disregards her rejections.

 Last week, she broke the news that she was moving in with this guy. He started freaking out even more, threatened to take full custody of the kids and said all kinds of horribly mean things to my friend. He then dragged me into the fight, saying that because I posted on a "dating" site that I was looking for friends and happily married, I was a cheater. He told my friend that I was no longer allowed around his children and that they'd be taken from her because she was an unfit mom. My friend talks to me about her problems, as friends do, and because I live in a house with my sister and my parents as well, it's easy for conversations to be overheard. My sister got sick of it and sent this guy a private message without my knowledge. Later that day, I get a phone call from my friend saying she's going to have to fire me because in their divorce agreement, they have to agree on child care, and he refused to let me watch the kids. She asked about what my sister sent him, and I told her that I had no clue what it said, that I didn't even know she did until now. I told her that I shouldn't be punished for the actions of my siblings and family members and wanted to know why he was so against me watching the kids.
  I started crying, telling her it wasn't because I was losing the kids, but because I was afraid for her and the kids, that they don't deserve what he's doing to them and it hurts to see them go through it. She said she understands, and plans on taking him to court. Today, I got the kids, and get them tomorrow for the last time. It breaks my heart to see them go, considering I've been watching the oldest (5yrs) since she was 4mo. my heart broke even more when I told this little kiddo that I wouldn't be watching her anymore, and she frowned, saying " I don't want anyone else to watch me but you." It's hard to explain the grown up aspects to a 5yr old who sees you as her best friend. Only time will tell what comes of everything, I can't change things, tell my friend what to do, or even fix anything, but I can, and will continue to , pray for them. It's not fair that people like that "man" can get away with what he does, and everyone else has to pay for it, especially his children, whom he only really sees as bargaining chips.

Wedded Bliss

  Ok, some of you may not find the humor in all this, that's fine, but I just have to share this story with you, it really cracked me up. For those of you who know, my friend's ex husband is psycho, and completely NUTS! Last night when she picked her kids up, she told me that he said I was cheating on my husband because I had a profile on a dating site. I laughed, just laughed at what he'd told her, because she already knew I had a profile and the whole story behind that profile, here's that story:

A few months back, my friend said that she'd looked at a site, www.plentyoffish.com and found her ex's profile on there. She told me that it was established while they were still married, before their son came along and then proceeded to tell me what he was "looking for" on that site. Of course, after getting off the phone with her and talking to my husband, curiosity got the best of us, and we started searching the site for him. Almost immediately, I got "red tape" so to speak, as I couldn't look at any profiles unless I made one myself. I got the hubby, we sat down and opened up a profile. It stated that I am happily married, that we were looking for friends, and that was all. As soon as that was set up, I found my friend's ex, and sure enough, his profile was established long before their youngest kid was born, that he'd been looking for a possible long term relationship and other lies on there. My husband and I just laughed, thinking that whomever answered that profile was in for a big surprise the moment they spent an hour with the guy.
   After that night, my husband and I totally forgot about POF, didn't check to see if there were any messages, nor did I de-activate my profile. Honestly, I didn't even think much of it or how it looks, until last night. After my friend left with her kids, my husband and I got onto the POF site, and looked at the profile again to see if there was something I did to make people think I was cheating. The only thing I did wrong was put a picture of just ME as my profile photo, so I changed it to my wedding pic. I also put that we were looking for a friendship in bold letters. I don't feel guilty about anything, see nothing wrong with my profile, and I'm pretty sure that in the very near future, I'm gonna remove my profile, but right now, it's fun to know it gets under this guy's skin. I hope you guys found this as funny as my husband and I did. Enjoy!

Oh My CANDY CORN

  Ok, so I am chowing down on some Candy Corn late at night, when all of a sudden I run across this bad boy.  I won't lie, I"m a little bit of a perve, and couldn't resist showing it to everyone. I almost gave it to Kaitlynn, as I know she likes candy, but just couldn't bring myself to doing it.
  Instead, I took this picture, without thinking, posted it on my Facebook, and then ended up deleting it from there the next day as a mother of one of my Primary kids reminded me that I have youngsters on my friends list that shouldn't see that. Normally I would have edited it, created an exclusive list of people who are allowed to see it, but couldn't do that on my phone so I just deleted it.
  I've decided to keep it, who knows what I'll do with it in the future. One thing I know is that it's definately wise to watch what you eat. Some people wonder if it was made like that on purpose, but I believe that they're not hand made. Anyway, the little pervert in me came out. I just couldn't bring myself to eating this little thing, but had to show you.

My Best Friend

 I will never forget September 1, as it was a very sad day for me. The only happy moment in that day was when I got to go to Heather's ultra-sound, and listen to Kaitlynn ask, after being shown the "boy part" on the baby, "he doesn't have clothes on?" Heather and I laughed at that, and it took away my worries a little.

  Before we went to the Ultra-Sound, we discovered a grim problem with Mason. He couldn't use his back end very well. He struggled to walk, couldn't keep his balance and was very disoriented. I gave him some tylonal to ease his pain while I was at the ultra sound, but when I got back, my heart shattered when I saw that he had proceeded to go down hill. He began to lose control of his bladder, was really drooling, and couldn't walk at all. I called the vet and we got him in within an hour.
  The Vet confirmed that Mason had some kind of Neurological damage that could have been caused by a stroke or even cancer. They didn't know for sure, and wouldn't know for sure unless they ran blood work. At that moment, as I began to let the tears flow, I looked at how much my sweet boy was suffering, and then tearfully told the Vet that it'd be better to just let him go. I figured what's the point of spending more money, just to confirm that he was at the end of his road, and continue keeping him in pain while we found a diagnosis. I looked my best friend, my baby boy in the eyes, and knew this is what he wanted too. When the vet and his tech left the room, Dave brought Kaitlynn , Heather and Troy into the room to say their goodbyes. Kaitlynn kissed his head, told him she loved him, and then left to play again. The tears started flowing when I watched Troy with him.  He gave Mason the biggest hug he could, said "Bye bye, I love you" in the clearest voice he could, and they left the room. Dave followed behind, leaving me alone to say my farewells.
  I looked my sweet baby boy in the eyes, and for 1 minute, they focused on me, taking in what I was saying, and in a way, telling me that he loved me so much. I knew I was making the right decision, that he was grateful, and then, after laying my blanket on the ground for him, he got onto it, lied on my lap, and I held his head, hugging him, talking sweetly to him, and crying. That's how they found me when they came in to euthanize him. Mason didn't struggle when they put the needle in, like he usually would, he looked at me as if to thank me, then he was gone. My heart left with him, and I knew that life would never be the same again. They gave him a little more drugs after that, to make sure that he really was gone, and while we were waiting for the tech to get back with them, I happened to catch the song playing on the radio, and told the Vet it wasn't a good song to play at the moment. It was "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish. I bawled and bawled, knowing my best friend, that sweet little puppy that won so many people over in his life, had to move on to another adventure without me, and it killed me.
  We wrapped the blanket around him, put him on a stretcher and carried him to the truck. When we got home, Dad had the grave dug, and ready for Mason. Kaitlynn and I kissed him one last time, and watched as he was burried. Things haven't been the same since. I have a hard time when I leave because when I get back, I expect to be greeted at the door with his big smile, happy to see me, but it's not there. I get up in the morning, look on the floor to make sure I don't step on him, but he's not there. A lot of people don't really understand the bond he and I had, yes, he was a pet, to most people, but to me, he was so much more than that. He was a protector, a companion, a friend, and the love of my life. I didn't want to let go of him, but had to, and look forward to the day I'll get to see him again. For now, like I told him in that little exam room, he's taking care of my kids, looking down on me, making sure I"m ok. I know that with time, I will be able to move on, and that he's not suffering anymore. I miss him so much more than I even imagined, and am taking things one day at time.

"The greatest gift we can give one another is rapt attention to one another's exixtance."
 
Mason, you truly did that to me. You were by me through thick and thin, were my best friend and was always there for me. I miss you and love you so much!