Reflecting

  Today my newest nephew, Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, is officially a week old. I was able to see some more pictures of him, and though I wanted to post a photo on here, I didn't because I haven't gotten permission from the parents. Anyway, with his birth, being around Tucker, Josie, Troy, Kaitlynn and Madison, and watching Heather prepare for Bently arriving into this world, adding my friend's new additions to their family, I've done a lot of thinking back on things, and though I shouldn't live in the past, it helps with the new editions around me.
  I joke that I was the first kid in my family to give my parents a grandchild. I'm pretty sure everyone has their doubts, but I know deep down in my heart that I was expecting, and lost that baby shortly into the pregnancy. At the time I lost the baby, I had suspicions that it was a miscarriage but wasn't 100% sure. I didn't dwell on it, but it was always in the back of my mind. Then when my sister in law miscarried, her and my brother came over and they described the whole thing, what it looked like, what she felt and all my doubts were wiped away. I knew right then that I had miscarried, and Dave agreed. What they were telling us, was exactly what I experienced, and they described it as if they were there when it happened.
  About a month ago, we went to Deseret Book for a few things. While we were looking around, I found this painting and instantly fell in love with it. When I read the caption, it brought tears to my eyes, because that painting depicts how I feel my baby that I lost is being cared for. I lost that little one so many years ago, but I know it's in good hands, and if I do what I am supposed to, I'll have a chance to hold that little one in my arms, to love it and raise it in the next life. I truly love my Nieces and Nephews, the little kiddos that are in my care, and have been in my care, but just once, I 'd love to be able to not have to give them back, to keep them and raise them. I've read my patriarchal blessing, Dave's too, and even though it's hard, I have the faith that the Lord has something special in mind for me, and I have to abide by the Lord's time, but it's so hard. I struggle to keep positive, have hope and faith that my turn will come. I am happy for my siblings, I love their kids, but dang it, I wanna be part of the Mommy Club dang it!!!!!
  I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, that's not my intention. I'm trying to just get feelings out that I can't seem to put into words when I TALK. Yes, I am jealous of everyone having babies, being unable to have any of my own, everyone says to not think about it, but when I say " I give up" I'm told not to. I don't think anyone fully understands that I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of having the hope that someday I'll be a mother, exhausted and I really don't think I can do it anymore. I say I give up, but really, I just don't want to think about it, and need to just focus on myself and other things. I have issues, those issues need to be resolved before I think of kids, and I have to ignore my biological clock in the meantime. I have to focus on putting my faith in the Lord, and remember that only HE knows what's best for me. Right now, I'm gonna love the little ones in my life with all my heart, and be the best Aunt that I can be for them. I really am happy for my siblings, and welcome Harper with open arms and a open heart.