The cake says it all! Here's the story, I've had a really hard time with some issues that has come up with a "friend" lately, and I haven't had a dry eye since Tuesday night. This friend won't talk to me or work through these issues with me, and yes, it is VERY upsetting, especially with what the whole thing is about. SO anyway, the title of this post is "Happy Birthday To Me......Yeah Right!!!" well, here's why it's that.
Because of all the stuff going on since Tuesday night, I have taken Advil PM for my anxiety in hopes to sleep. I had no problems Tuesday night with it, but last night, when I took it, it took me FOREVER to fall asleep, and like clockwork, I was up by 7am this morning, and my instant thought was the situation I am in. The tears started flowing, heart continued to ache, and I just lied there, wishing I could re-do this week and change some things. The things that I'm accused of, loss of my job be it permanent or temporary, and the possible loss of a friend. Then when I open up Facebook, see the birthday wishes pour in, touched me, but not as deeply as I needed it to. I wish I could enjoy my birthday but the emptiness inside of me is overwhelming and won't go away, no matter how hard I try.
If the emptiness wasn't enough to deal with, my dear sweet husband tried to fix me breakfast in bed. I absolutely LOVED the gesture, but couldn't eat what he fixed as he had pepper in it, which most of you know, doesn't agree with my tongue issues. He cut me apples instead, and I was greeted with the apples and a very happy 23mo. boy saying Happy Birthday to me. It was a little ray of sunshine in this dark storm I'm weathering. It's hard for me to make the best of my "special" day when I've got myself into a deep dark place. I'm trying, but today everything seems to go wrong. I was supposed to go to lunch with my sister, but instead, I wait until 3pm for Dave to get back from running an errand. I didn't get my paycheck from the School District, money I was counting on getting. So when we go to the store to find a cake, Dave, Troy and I were looking at them. I didn't want a white one, and really don't care for the whipped icing, then I ran across the one in the photo. The brown horse was origionally standing up. I joked with Dave and told him that we should get it because it had a dead horse on it. Yes, in my head it was the perfect tribute to my day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and well, I saw myself as the horse that gave up, lied down in the river and drowned itself. Why try to have a good birthday when it seems like all I am doing is beating a dead horse. Then when Heather got back from the store with it, she told me about the 2nd horse falling over, I just shook my head and told her, "It's typical for the day I've had". I know I'm negative, and YES, I did remind myself of 2 positive things (referring to my Jester's Jungle Blog entry) today, #1: Although I feel so alone right now, like nobody understands me or what I'm going through, I AM loved, and can see it the most in the shiny brown eyes of that 20mo running around the house all day. #2: It doesn't matter how depressed I am, how hard I am on myself or what I've done or haven't done, my husband loves me with all his heart. I KNOW this, but there are so many times where I don't feel loved or understood. I cannot lie, I hope the rest of the night gets better, and look forward to it being over with....
