Bentley Austin Larimer

  Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to introduce to you, #13: Bentley Austin Larimer. He made his appearance January 17th at 2:05pm. Bentley weighed in at 6lbs 5oz, and 19 1/2in long. Heather was given an epidural but didn't have time for it to kick in. Before long, she was holding Bentley in her arms.
   I love being around the little ones, and Bentley makes #13 in the line of Nieces and Nephews for me. It saddens me that I wont' get to bond with him or get to know him for much more than 3 weeks, but it'll be good to get to know Harper. I am thankful to my family for trusting in me enough to let me near their kids. This situation with my "friend" and her kids has really destroyed me mentally and emotionally, and though I find myself second guessing myself and questioning how I am with the kids now, it's comforting to know that my family trusts me. It's good to know that they know that I would NEVER hurt a child, and encourage me to lend a hand.
  Though I'll be missing out on about 7months of Bentley's life, I look forward to watching him grow, and see his little personality emerge. I look forward to getting to know Harper, helping him grow and learn. Because of my situation at hand, though people tell me I need to get out of child care all together, I cannot. Like I told my younger brother today, because I have no kids of my own, it helps to be around everyone else's. Children are my passion, and I can't just walk away. I'm sure people won't fully understand it, kids aren't for some people, but for me, well, I invest not only time when I watch children, but my heart as well. All I want for the kids I run into in my life, is their well being, to make an impact on their life, and help them learn and grow. To those of you who have never lost faith/trust in me with children, thank you. I lost my confidence, and my aim is to get that back while I'm with Harper, Dan and Chrystal.

Happy Birthday To Me.......Yeah Right!!!

   The cake says it all!  Here's the story, I've had a really hard time with some issues that has come up with a "friend" lately, and I haven't had a dry eye since Tuesday night. This friend won't talk to me or work through these issues with me, and yes, it is VERY upsetting, especially with what the whole thing is about. SO anyway, the title of this post is "Happy Birthday To Me......Yeah Right!!!" well, here's why it's that.
  Because of all the stuff going on since Tuesday night, I have taken Advil PM for my anxiety in hopes to sleep. I had no problems Tuesday night with it, but last night, when I took it, it took me FOREVER to fall asleep, and like clockwork, I was up by 7am this morning, and my instant thought was the situation I am in. The tears started flowing, heart continued to ache, and I just lied there, wishing I could re-do this week and change some things. The things that I'm accused of, loss of my job be it permanent or temporary, and the possible loss of a friend. Then when I open up Facebook, see the birthday wishes pour in, touched me, but not as deeply as I needed it to. I wish I could enjoy my birthday but the emptiness inside of me is overwhelming and won't go away, no matter how hard I try.
  If the emptiness wasn't enough to deal with, my dear sweet husband tried to fix me breakfast in bed. I absolutely LOVED the gesture, but couldn't eat what he fixed as he had pepper in it, which most of you know, doesn't agree with my tongue issues. He cut me apples instead, and I was greeted with the apples and a very happy 23mo. boy saying Happy Birthday to me. It was a little ray of sunshine in this dark storm I'm weathering. It's hard for me to make the best of my "special" day when I've got myself into a deep dark place. I'm trying, but today everything seems to go wrong. I was supposed to go to lunch with my sister, but instead, I wait until 3pm for Dave to get back from running an errand. I didn't get my paycheck from the School District, money I was counting on getting. So when we go to the store to find a cake, Dave, Troy and I were looking at them. I didn't want a white one, and really don't care for the whipped icing, then I ran across the one in the photo. The brown horse was origionally standing up. I joked with Dave and told him that we should get it because it had a dead horse on it. Yes, in my head it was the perfect tribute to my day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and well, I saw myself as the horse that gave up, lied down in the river and drowned itself. Why try to have a good birthday when it seems like all I am doing is beating a dead horse. Then when Heather got back from the store with it, she told me about the 2nd horse falling over, I just shook my head and told her, "It's typical for the day I've had". I know I'm negative, and YES, I did remind myself of 2 positive things (referring to my Jester's Jungle Blog entry) today, #1: Although I feel so alone right now, like nobody understands me or what I'm going through, I AM loved, and can see it the most in the shiny brown eyes of that 20mo running around the house all day. #2: It doesn't matter how depressed I am, how hard I am on myself or what I've done or haven't done, my husband loves me with all his heart. I KNOW this, but there are so many times where I don't feel loved or understood. I cannot lie, I hope the rest of the night gets better, and look forward to it being over with....

Showing a little Face....book!

 I chose this picture for my post, because in my mind, it's the road of life. We can choose to veer into the field to the left, and make bad choices in our life, or to the field to the right, and live the right way. I've been doing a lot of thinking, not just because of the holidays, but because that's what I've been doing to try to understand why I have my bouts of depression. Anyway, I had quite the interesting Chrsitmas Day, and though I'd LOVE to express my thoughts like everyone else on Facebook, I'm doing it here, a little more private, and more than likely, more raw as well, hence the title, "Showing a little Face.....book!" Anyway, I thought I'd share with you guys how my Christmas Day went down, and the things I learned about/from it.
    Although I no longer feel welcomed there, Dave and I drove to Jerome to visit his Family on Christmas Day. When we got there, nobody was home, so we spent a little time together enjoying each other's company and the smell of the Turkey cooking in the oven. Before long, the family came home, and I went out to the truck to charge my phone. Jacob got out of his vehicle, brought 2 gifts to my truck and said they were for Rj, the son he has with another woman. I let him put them in my truck, and then he told me he wanted to come with me to see him. I had to go there to pick a picture up and said that was fine, but he had to let everyone know where we were going. We had to wait an hour before we headed over there, and when the time came to go, as I was heading out the door, I heard " Where are you guys going?". I was too far away to hear what was answered, but Jacob's wife came to the truck and asked " Are you going to go see that B*&@$" and Jacob replied "No, I'm going to go see my son." and she slammed my door. After laying into her about slamming my door, we all got ready to pull out when Dave's dad came running out of the house, hollering for Jacob to come back and talk to him. He did, and as he got to his Dad, I sent Dave to make sure facts were set straight. Things began to get pretty ugly, and I was ready to gather our things, get Dave and head home. I heard Dave's dad say that Jacob was throwing away his family for a child nobody else can get to know, as that was said, Dave stepped in and started telling him that the child's mother WANTS him to know his dad's family. Before he could finish his sentence, his dad told him to butt out and that it was none of his business. One thing lead to another and the boys got in the truck and we left.
   When we got back, Dave's mom was in her room, his dad took Jacob into another room and  talked to Jacob, and Dave walked over to Dana, looked her in the eyes and had a lengthy lecture/talk to her. She tried to deny the extent of her involvement on the situation, said the kids weren't allowed near RJ because she wasn't and all other kinds of CHILDISH crap! Dave told her that he didn't care how or what happened, all that matters is the children at this point. He told her that it wasn't fair the kids got to know their "sister from another mister" but aren't allowed to know their "brother from another mother".  He didn't care how either came to be, it was childish to punish the kids just because both mothers don't see eye to eye or like each other. He also reinstated what we've been saying all along, she and Jacob need to leave  phones off or at home, drop the kids off  with the grandparents and go somewhere and talk. From there, he went into his mom's room to talk to her.
   I didn't hear much of that conversation, other than I went in and told her myself that Rj's mom wants him to get to know them and everyone else in the family, that I would make arrangements for them ALL to meet him. By this time, dinner was ready and we ate, and went about our Christmas business. When we left, we went by the Hospital to visit Dave's grandfather for a little bit. On our drive home, I found something out that just got me floored. While he was talking to her, Dave's mom told him something that I suspected for a while would happen. There's people in the family who firmly believe/think that the family is having problems because David decided to join the LDS church. Yes, I was quite mad at hearing this, seriously, do you have to be that ignorant? I just can't really understand how people can be so, ugh, I can't even find the words for it. Blaming family problems on a different religion as yours is like me saying I don't have kids because my sister has tattoos. Seriously folks, religion doesn't really cause problems, no matter what kind of religion it is. People cause problems, and if you're out accusing others and their beliefs for those problems, you're a big coward.  What gets me even more is that Dave and I are really not included in the family. I have began to consider ourselves "Black Sheep" because nobody on that side ever talks to us with the exception of Jacob or Rachel, unless it's about a birthday, we're never kept in the loop on what's going on in the family, and when we try to make contact, well, honestly, I've had a better conversation out of a wall. Despite feeling this way, I'm working with Rj's mom to get them to meet with Dave's family. I'm focusing on my husband and myself, and at this point, like I've told Rachel and Jacob, I'm gonna be there for Jacob, Rachel and the kids. Everyone else doesn't want a thing to do with us, well, that's their problems. I'm sorry, but "I Love You" are just words if you don't act on them, I have learned that by experience. Family used to be so important to me, and now, I wonder. Really, what does it mean anymore. I was thinking about the old saying "Blood is thicker than water" well, I've added a twist to that, "Blood is thicker than water because of all the CRAP in that blood." I'm done ranting, so I hope you all enjoyed, I enjoyed quite a few aspects of my Christmas with the In-Laws, but am glad it's over. Happy Holidays.

Patience Pays OFF!

 Ladies and Gents, I am so happy to announce that.......Dave and I are......................well we're expecting. Yup, we're expecting to go to the temple sometime this month. Yeah, I went there, me of all people. Anyways, it's been about 4yrs or so since Dave and I have had a VALID Temple Recommend. Today, after some work, we got our recommends. We still need to talk to the Stake Presidency, but that shouldn't be hard to do, and before the end of this year, we WILL make it through a session.
  I can also say that we're in the habit of paying tithing on a regular basis. Though I'm having some tough times, ups and downs, and feel like I'm always on a roller coaster, right  now, life seems to be getting back on track. It's a long road, and wont' be easy, but with the right support from people, I know I can do it. Today as I was waiting for Dave to get out of his interview, I looked at the Young Women's theme that was hanging on the wall. It was different from when I was in Young Womens, they added another value, and another line, but other than those changes, I knew it word for word, and I thought "That's what life's like, never the same, always changing." We can take the changes as good, or take them as bad, it's all on how we handle them. Thanks to my older brother's wisdom, I'm changing my outlook on life and how I handle things in them. It's a rough journey, and not a quick fix, but I'm willing to make the changes I need to.

TURKEY DAY

 Ok, let me start out by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING! So it's not so happy for Turkeys everywhere, but what can we say, those birds are just so darn good, especially deep fried! Anyway, this week has been quite busy for me. I woke up Sunday morning with a really nasty headache. I figured it was due to a toothache, so that Monday morning I called the dentist. They said they could get me in at 10am, that morning, so Kaitlynn and I went. Before we went, I also made an appointment with my doc to be re-checked for a UTI. Kaitlynn had the experience of a lifetime there. Not only did they give her a balloon, but they let her take the X-Rays of my teeth, and spent some time with the receptionist. The dentist went to drill, and ended up busting off the whole face of one of the teeth. Sadly, I wasn't surprised something like that would have happened. After the dentist, I went back to watching the kids, and took it easy the rest of the day. Tuesday morning I went to the Doctor with Dave and the kids. They waited in the waiting room while I peed in the cup and found out that I just had a yeast infection caused by the meds given to me to cure my UTI.  We went home, got lunch and naps squared away, and when kids left and Mom got home, went to fill my prescription. We got all our shopping done for Thanksgiving dinner, and called it a night. Wednesday was spent baking pies, picking rolls up and cleaning. Mom did majority of the work, I tried to keep the kids out of the way. As I was online getting coloring pages, I somehow screwed up my part of the computer, and spent about 5hrs trying to fix it, we thought it was fixed by the time a VERY frustrated Jess went to bed.
  Dave and I slept in today, it was nice to be able to feel rested when we got up, had breakfast with the whole family and I found that my computer problem wasn't fixed. I spent about 3 1/2hrs trying to fix the problem, and I am VERY PROUD to say that I did it. I had a nice time with my family, cuddling with Tucker while watching the new Conan movie with Dave, laughing at/with Marsh and just relaxing and reflecting on life in general. I am thankful for my family, we don't always get along or talk to each other, but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. We have our quirks, but who doesn't? Hope you guys have a very happy Thanksgiving.

Reflecting

  Today my newest nephew, Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, is officially a week old. I was able to see some more pictures of him, and though I wanted to post a photo on here, I didn't because I haven't gotten permission from the parents. Anyway, with his birth, being around Tucker, Josie, Troy, Kaitlynn and Madison, and watching Heather prepare for Bently arriving into this world, adding my friend's new additions to their family, I've done a lot of thinking back on things, and though I shouldn't live in the past, it helps with the new editions around me.
  I joke that I was the first kid in my family to give my parents a grandchild. I'm pretty sure everyone has their doubts, but I know deep down in my heart that I was expecting, and lost that baby shortly into the pregnancy. At the time I lost the baby, I had suspicions that it was a miscarriage but wasn't 100% sure. I didn't dwell on it, but it was always in the back of my mind. Then when my sister in law miscarried, her and my brother came over and they described the whole thing, what it looked like, what she felt and all my doubts were wiped away. I knew right then that I had miscarried, and Dave agreed. What they were telling us, was exactly what I experienced, and they described it as if they were there when it happened.
  About a month ago, we went to Deseret Book for a few things. While we were looking around, I found this painting and instantly fell in love with it. When I read the caption, it brought tears to my eyes, because that painting depicts how I feel my baby that I lost is being cared for. I lost that little one so many years ago, but I know it's in good hands, and if I do what I am supposed to, I'll have a chance to hold that little one in my arms, to love it and raise it in the next life. I truly love my Nieces and Nephews, the little kiddos that are in my care, and have been in my care, but just once, I 'd love to be able to not have to give them back, to keep them and raise them. I've read my patriarchal blessing, Dave's too, and even though it's hard, I have the faith that the Lord has something special in mind for me, and I have to abide by the Lord's time, but it's so hard. I struggle to keep positive, have hope and faith that my turn will come. I am happy for my siblings, I love their kids, but dang it, I wanna be part of the Mommy Club dang it!!!!!
  I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, that's not my intention. I'm trying to just get feelings out that I can't seem to put into words when I TALK. Yes, I am jealous of everyone having babies, being unable to have any of my own, everyone says to not think about it, but when I say " I give up" I'm told not to. I don't think anyone fully understands that I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of having the hope that someday I'll be a mother, exhausted and I really don't think I can do it anymore. I say I give up, but really, I just don't want to think about it, and need to just focus on myself and other things. I have issues, those issues need to be resolved before I think of kids, and I have to ignore my biological clock in the meantime. I have to focus on putting my faith in the Lord, and remember that only HE knows what's best for me. Right now, I'm gonna love the little ones in my life with all my heart, and be the best Aunt that I can be for them. I really am happy for my siblings, and welcome Harper with open arms and a open heart.

Lucky #13

  Ok, for years I've been saying that 13 is my lucky number. I know that a lot of people think that particular number is jinxed  but it's always seemed to bring me luck.
  I was lucky to share 13yrs of my life with the best friend I could have ever had. I don't care if he was a dog, Mason was my best friend and I could count on him come hell or high water. He helped me through 13yrs of a roller coaster ride that at times, I wanted more than anything to get off of.
   Now, 13 is the number of Nieces and Nephews I have between the Hollingsworth and the Lage families. We have on the boys: Isaac, Matthew, Joshua, Tucker, Troy, RJ, Andre, Harper and Bently will be coming soon. On the Girls, we have: Sara, Faith, Destiny and Josie. Our newest arrival came on November 9, 2011. He is Harper Tritz Hollingsworth and I am a very happy aunt. I look forward to meeting him in a few months but until then have to settle with pictures. Mom and baby are doing just fine. He was born at 7:03am, weighed in at 6lbs, 2oz and is 18 3/4in long. From the pictures, he's adorable and looks a lot like his mommy (Sorry Dan.). As you all know, I've wanted kids for a really long time, and though it's really hard to see everyone else having the one thing I desire, I want those of you who know my situation, to know that I am genuinely happy for you guys. Dan, Chrystal, thank you so much for keeping me UTD on things, nobody really understands that it's easier on me if I'm included in the loop so to speak, rather than people hiding it from me or worried it'll upset me. I don't like feeling like everyone has to hide their pregnancy, or happieness because of me, it makes things harder for me. I may not be a mother or have kids of my own, but to be included in the lives of my nieces and nephews fills that void more than anyone will know. Once again, I am so happy for the new parents, and can't wait to meet you in person Harper. Aunt Jess loves you much more than you will ever know, just as much as your cousins!