Growing

  There's a lot of truth to this saying, how many times do we focus on the past, rather than build our future? This year started out pretty cruddy for me, and it took me to a really dark place. I didn't think very highly of myself, didn't like the way I looked, and was just completely destroyed as a person. The saying is true, you really have to reach rock bottom before you can start rising up to the top.
   I had a LOT of time to think about things while I was living in Houston,  I wasn't watching Harper any longer, so I had the whole house to myself during the days, and at first I was terrified. I would watch TV half the day, then sweep the house, wash dishes and then play around on the computer. When Dan and Chrystal came home, it was dinner, then TV after Harper's bath and bedtime. I made it a point from the day I landed in Houston, to the day I returned home to Idaho, to write in my journal daily. I didn't have a specific topic, mostly wrote about how my day was, then there ewas a change. Instead of always writing about the day, I'd incorporate how I was feeling that day.
   Since I've returned home, I haven't kept up on my Journal like I've wanted to, missed days, weeks, even months, but when I get a chance to sit down and write in it, and attempt to get caught up, I put stories in it, memories of good times, things I want future generations to know about me, what I was like, and just get to know how I ticked. I haven't really had too much time to myself, except when I'm working but those times when I get to sit and deeply think, I think about the ways I want to improve my life and make myself happy. I've started focusing on the Gospel more, trying to build a relationship with my savior, and strengthening my relationship with my husband. I try to think or look for 1 thing that's positive each day, and on the days when I think about the negative things that've happened in my past, I try to think of the positive things.
  This year alone I've been truly blessed, starting off with weight loss. In January, just before I flew to Houston, I weighed in at 175lbs. With the few months of exercise, the Green2o and Sxinney, and being more aware of what I'm eating, I've managed to lose 20lbs. I'm currently weighing in at 159lbs, and have even dropped down to 158. I don't have so many downers and though I hate the way my teeth are decayed or missing, I'm smiling more than I have in years. It's refreshing to get into clothes I haven't been able to wear for years. I struggle still, but not as much, and when faced with a problem, I try to work it out, or ask for help. I'm learning to not be so hard on myself, or to let people push me over and take advantage of me. I don't know how much progress I can make or am making, but I'm putting forth the effort, and that's all that matters, right?