Spiritual Thought: OH MY!!

 I took this picture when Dave and I returned Jacob to Idaho Falls this past Sunday. As I was sitting there, listening to the water rush, and taking in the view, I began to think about a lot of things. Looking at the tree, standing firmly on the rock with gallons of water rushing around it, never giving to the heavy flow, I began comparing it to life in general. Maybe it's because I've been teaching Primary for the past few months, maybe I caught the spirit as I sat on the side of the rivier, but this is what I came up with, feel free to share your thoughts.

I "likened" the tree as to ourselves, the rock as the gospel, and the river is the world.  When you look at the picture, you can see the debris in the background. As a person, you could be the debris, or you could be the tree. For so many years, I've been the debris, floating around, going along with the flow so to speak. The tree, firmly planted on the rock, has been me lately. Standing on that rock, relying on its strength to keep it strong, it like me, relying on the gospel to keep me strong. Lately, it seems like everyone likes to use me as their "shit stick" or punching bag. I'm to blame for a marriage falling apart, a family shattered to pieces, under-weight kids, and probably even somebody's turds not smelling right. At my lowest the last few weeks, I've wanted to find myself some "concrete shoes" and go swimming in the over-flowing Snake River. When I have these thoughts though, I think of the many things I have around me that I shouldn't give up on. Like the tree relies on the rock, I need to rely on the Gospel much more than I use to. I feel like the overflowing, crazy river of life's problems are trying to knock me down, and like the smaller tree in this picture, thought I appear to be drowning among the troubles, I'm taking a firm grip on the gospel and relying on it for my strength.
Ok, so this all sounded much better and clearer in my head, but doesn't everything? You guys pretty much have an idea though, as to why I am thinking the way I am.

~Wildflower~

"She's faced the hardest times you could imagine.
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in, Each time her slender shoulders, bore the weight of All her fears, and the sorrow no one hears, still rings In midnight silence, in her ears....

 Let her cry, for she's a lady. Let her dream, for she's a child. Let the rain fall down upon her, she's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

 And if by chance that I should touch her, let me hold her for a time. And if allowed but one possession, I will pick her from the garden to be mine. Be careful how you touch her, for she'll awaken, and sleep's the only freedom that she knows. And when you walk into her eyes you won't believe, the way she's always payin' for a debt she never owes. And the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear, and so she goes."

When I first heard this song, I was in a rough patch in my life. I quickly felt this song was the best one out there that described how I felt about myself, and it became my "theme song" so to speak. Through the years since then, it has been an appropriate choice. Currently my brother in law is having marital problems. I know with this entry, it's going to start a fire with people, but now's time to throw the shit into the fan so to speak. I've not hidden the fact that I dislike, ok, HATE this brother in law's wife. I have almost since day 1 of meeting her, and have tried to like her for everyone's sake, but just couldn't bring myself to doing it, and haven't hidden it anymore.
 
 Because I have such a hate for her, it seems like they like to blame me for things that go wrong in the family, like she tries to make them think it's my fault. I am closer to my brother in law than I am with the rest of my husband's family, mainly because he talks to me more than everyone else does. When she gets her feelings hurt or can't handle things, she runs and cries to my in-laws, twisting everything into her favor, making herself look good, like her poop smells like roses. I'm tired of that, and from what I've seen my brother in law doesn't get that "Luxury" to vent to very many UNBIASED people so he turns to me, knowing I  will listen and not go off on him. Keep in mind, I only hear one side of the story, and regardless of how I feel about this "Little Girl" (I use the term "Little Girl" as she can't own up to her own mistakes and has to blame others for her actions. She also can't face her problems as an ADULT and has to run to mommy and daddy when something happens.) I don't try to get involved. The only thing I have really said to him was/is "Sit down without anyone and actually talk to her, tell her how you feel and go from there"

  Recently he's moved to Idaho Falls, and she and the kids are still in Jerome. Since he moved there, he's spent the weekends with us and every time he goes back to Idaho Falls, she gets after him for something stupid, knowing he was around us. Whenever he decides he wants to share his feelings with her, if they are what she doesn't want to hear, she runs and cries to HIS parents, rather than own up to the cause and try to settle it as a couple. Because of this, I have now been the blame of all their problems, and my Father in law backs her up on all of it. I think it's sad that even though we've basically been "outcasts" in their family, they go further and basically tell the ONLY one who makes the effort to talk to us, not to because we're bad for him.

I once believed in the importance of family, but as each day goes by, that belief has vanished. As I said before, I'm knowingly throwing the "crap into the fan" at this point, but feel like I have nothing to lose. I've tried and tried, but it's no use "beating a dead horse" so now the balls in their court, and they know where to find me. To those family members who read this, I am not to blame, it is not, nor has it ever been my fault that this Brother In Law got his spine back and stood for how he feels.

Why I Do This

 Ok, so all of you who are reading this know that for over 6yrs, I've struggled to get pregnant, lost a pregnancy, and struggle to stay strong with each pregnancy in the family.

 This is something that I should have done a long time ago, and I need to let everyone know this. First of all, to Chrystal and Heather, and their spouses, CONGRATS! I couldn't be happier for you guys. Same with Rachel and Andy, I can't wait to see my new nephew.

  That being said, I really appreciate the consideration of my feelings being spared when you find out you're expecting, but at the same time, it makes it worse if you don't tell me. In the long run, don't hesitate to share the good news, because beneath the tears, I really genuinely am happy for you. I may not be a mom, but I can be the best Aunt those kids can see and know. That being said, I want to share with everyone why it is that I cry when I hear the good news, and why I also hurt. I don't know that very many people know as I kept my pain deep within myself, but deep down , in the bottom of my heart, I believe that I was expecting about 4yrs ago, but lost it a few weeks into the pregnancy. Because the pregnancy test came back negative, Dave didn't believe me, but deep in my heart, I knew. Then when Emily miscarried before Tucker came along, and told us all about it, Dave knew I was too pregnant.

   I don't cry because I can't have kids as easy as others, but because every time somebody mentions they're expecting, I think of that little one I lost. My child would be about 4 or 5yrs old right now, maybe younger, don't remember for sure. I hide the pain I feel every day for that child, and though I come across as sad or hurt, I really truly am happy for my friends and siblings who are expecting.