Reflecting

  Today my newest nephew, Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, is officially a week old. I was able to see some more pictures of him, and though I wanted to post a photo on here, I didn't because I haven't gotten permission from the parents. Anyway, with his birth, being around Tucker, Josie, Troy, Kaitlynn and Madison, and watching Heather prepare for Bently arriving into this world, adding my friend's new additions to their family, I've done a lot of thinking back on things, and though I shouldn't live in the past, it helps with the new editions around me.
  I joke that I was the first kid in my family to give my parents a grandchild. I'm pretty sure everyone has their doubts, but I know deep down in my heart that I was expecting, and lost that baby shortly into the pregnancy. At the time I lost the baby, I had suspicions that it was a miscarriage but wasn't 100% sure. I didn't dwell on it, but it was always in the back of my mind. Then when my sister in law miscarried, her and my brother came over and they described the whole thing, what it looked like, what she felt and all my doubts were wiped away. I knew right then that I had miscarried, and Dave agreed. What they were telling us, was exactly what I experienced, and they described it as if they were there when it happened.
  About a month ago, we went to Deseret Book for a few things. While we were looking around, I found this painting and instantly fell in love with it. When I read the caption, it brought tears to my eyes, because that painting depicts how I feel my baby that I lost is being cared for. I lost that little one so many years ago, but I know it's in good hands, and if I do what I am supposed to, I'll have a chance to hold that little one in my arms, to love it and raise it in the next life. I truly love my Nieces and Nephews, the little kiddos that are in my care, and have been in my care, but just once, I 'd love to be able to not have to give them back, to keep them and raise them. I've read my patriarchal blessing, Dave's too, and even though it's hard, I have the faith that the Lord has something special in mind for me, and I have to abide by the Lord's time, but it's so hard. I struggle to keep positive, have hope and faith that my turn will come. I am happy for my siblings, I love their kids, but dang it, I wanna be part of the Mommy Club dang it!!!!!
  I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, that's not my intention. I'm trying to just get feelings out that I can't seem to put into words when I TALK. Yes, I am jealous of everyone having babies, being unable to have any of my own, everyone says to not think about it, but when I say " I give up" I'm told not to. I don't think anyone fully understands that I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of having the hope that someday I'll be a mother, exhausted and I really don't think I can do it anymore. I say I give up, but really, I just don't want to think about it, and need to just focus on myself and other things. I have issues, those issues need to be resolved before I think of kids, and I have to ignore my biological clock in the meantime. I have to focus on putting my faith in the Lord, and remember that only HE knows what's best for me. Right now, I'm gonna love the little ones in my life with all my heart, and be the best Aunt that I can be for them. I really am happy for my siblings, and welcome Harper with open arms and a open heart.

Lucky #13

  Ok, for years I've been saying that 13 is my lucky number. I know that a lot of people think that particular number is jinxed  but it's always seemed to bring me luck.
  I was lucky to share 13yrs of my life with the best friend I could have ever had. I don't care if he was a dog, Mason was my best friend and I could count on him come hell or high water. He helped me through 13yrs of a roller coaster ride that at times, I wanted more than anything to get off of.
   Now, 13 is the number of Nieces and Nephews I have between the Hollingsworth and the Lage families. We have on the boys: Isaac, Matthew, Joshua, Tucker, Troy, RJ, Andre, Harper and Bently will be coming soon. On the Girls, we have: Sara, Faith, Destiny and Josie. Our newest arrival came on November 9, 2011. He is Harper Tritz Hollingsworth and I am a very happy aunt. I look forward to meeting him in a few months but until then have to settle with pictures. Mom and baby are doing just fine. He was born at 7:03am, weighed in at 6lbs, 2oz and is 18 3/4in long. From the pictures, he's adorable and looks a lot like his mommy (Sorry Dan.). As you all know, I've wanted kids for a really long time, and though it's really hard to see everyone else having the one thing I desire, I want those of you who know my situation, to know that I am genuinely happy for you guys. Dan, Chrystal, thank you so much for keeping me UTD on things, nobody really understands that it's easier on me if I'm included in the loop so to speak, rather than people hiding it from me or worried it'll upset me. I don't like feeling like everyone has to hide their pregnancy, or happieness because of me, it makes things harder for me. I may not be a mother or have kids of my own, but to be included in the lives of my nieces and nephews fills that void more than anyone will know. Once again, I am so happy for the new parents, and can't wait to meet you in person Harper. Aunt Jess loves you much more than you will ever know, just as much as your cousins!

Quite A Night

  Ok, so on Friday night, Dave and I took the kids out and walked around the stores for a bit, then picked Pizza up for dinner and headed home. It was snowing nicely, and when we got towards the house, I saw a white pick up pull out of the driveway, and head the opposite direction as I was. The car in front of me immediately flipped a U-turn and flagged the truck down. Thinking it was a little odd, but thought maybe they knew each other and somebody forgot something, I pulled into the driveway and went in the house with Dave and the kids. Not even 10 minutes went by when we heard a knock on our door. It was our neighbor telling us that somebody just ran into one of the cars in our driveway and the person fled the scene. She said her and her husband flagged the driver down and got her license plate number. Police were called and that was the beginning of an exciting evening.
  As mom was on the phone with dispatch, I walked in and told her that an officer was already there, and by the time she hung up the phone, two more arrived with lights flashing. I went next door to fill Nicole in on what was going on, and as I was talking to her, you could hear the woman who hit the vehicle (it was a Cadillac that my brother sold an hour prior to being hit) refuse to cooperate with the police, and fight them. It took 3 officers to cuff her and get her into the back of one of the squad cars, all the while trying to calm her boyfriend down as well. I guess what had happened was she was going to see her boyfriend who lives about 3 houses away from us. She pulled into the neighbor's driveway (the ones who flagged her down) almost hitting them, then into our gravel drive way, then into our other driveway hitting the Caddy. What I saw when I was heading home was her backing out of the Caddy and leaving.
  Marsh, Emily and the kids showed up shortly after police arrived, and Tucker went nuts over the flashing lights. Once all was said and done, everyone froze and the police left, we resumed business as usual. It was not until 3 days later that we found out that they published it in the local paper, address and all of where it happened. The woman was charged with a DUI and I THINK resisting arrest. It's rarely dull and boring here at the Hollingsworth residence. That's what makes our life fun and eventful, and isn't it what makes memories too?

Ooohh MY!

  Well, the title and picture basically say it all. My friend just recently found a guy after being divorced for a year. She has a full time job, does odd jobs on the side to make ends meet, and though she has custody of the kids ALL the time, she has to pay CHILD SUPPORT! Her ex found out that she found a guy she really likes, and the kids totally love, and he freaked. Although engaged himself, he tells her he misses her, wants her back, and disregards her rejections.

 Last week, she broke the news that she was moving in with this guy. He started freaking out even more, threatened to take full custody of the kids and said all kinds of horribly mean things to my friend. He then dragged me into the fight, saying that because I posted on a "dating" site that I was looking for friends and happily married, I was a cheater. He told my friend that I was no longer allowed around his children and that they'd be taken from her because she was an unfit mom. My friend talks to me about her problems, as friends do, and because I live in a house with my sister and my parents as well, it's easy for conversations to be overheard. My sister got sick of it and sent this guy a private message without my knowledge. Later that day, I get a phone call from my friend saying she's going to have to fire me because in their divorce agreement, they have to agree on child care, and he refused to let me watch the kids. She asked about what my sister sent him, and I told her that I had no clue what it said, that I didn't even know she did until now. I told her that I shouldn't be punished for the actions of my siblings and family members and wanted to know why he was so against me watching the kids.
  I started crying, telling her it wasn't because I was losing the kids, but because I was afraid for her and the kids, that they don't deserve what he's doing to them and it hurts to see them go through it. She said she understands, and plans on taking him to court. Today, I got the kids, and get them tomorrow for the last time. It breaks my heart to see them go, considering I've been watching the oldest (5yrs) since she was 4mo. my heart broke even more when I told this little kiddo that I wouldn't be watching her anymore, and she frowned, saying " I don't want anyone else to watch me but you." It's hard to explain the grown up aspects to a 5yr old who sees you as her best friend. Only time will tell what comes of everything, I can't change things, tell my friend what to do, or even fix anything, but I can, and will continue to , pray for them. It's not fair that people like that "man" can get away with what he does, and everyone else has to pay for it, especially his children, whom he only really sees as bargaining chips.

Wedded Bliss

  Ok, some of you may not find the humor in all this, that's fine, but I just have to share this story with you, it really cracked me up. For those of you who know, my friend's ex husband is psycho, and completely NUTS! Last night when she picked her kids up, she told me that he said I was cheating on my husband because I had a profile on a dating site. I laughed, just laughed at what he'd told her, because she already knew I had a profile and the whole story behind that profile, here's that story:

A few months back, my friend said that she'd looked at a site, www.plentyoffish.com and found her ex's profile on there. She told me that it was established while they were still married, before their son came along and then proceeded to tell me what he was "looking for" on that site. Of course, after getting off the phone with her and talking to my husband, curiosity got the best of us, and we started searching the site for him. Almost immediately, I got "red tape" so to speak, as I couldn't look at any profiles unless I made one myself. I got the hubby, we sat down and opened up a profile. It stated that I am happily married, that we were looking for friends, and that was all. As soon as that was set up, I found my friend's ex, and sure enough, his profile was established long before their youngest kid was born, that he'd been looking for a possible long term relationship and other lies on there. My husband and I just laughed, thinking that whomever answered that profile was in for a big surprise the moment they spent an hour with the guy.
   After that night, my husband and I totally forgot about POF, didn't check to see if there were any messages, nor did I de-activate my profile. Honestly, I didn't even think much of it or how it looks, until last night. After my friend left with her kids, my husband and I got onto the POF site, and looked at the profile again to see if there was something I did to make people think I was cheating. The only thing I did wrong was put a picture of just ME as my profile photo, so I changed it to my wedding pic. I also put that we were looking for a friendship in bold letters. I don't feel guilty about anything, see nothing wrong with my profile, and I'm pretty sure that in the very near future, I'm gonna remove my profile, but right now, it's fun to know it gets under this guy's skin. I hope you guys found this as funny as my husband and I did. Enjoy!

Oh My CANDY CORN

  Ok, so I am chowing down on some Candy Corn late at night, when all of a sudden I run across this bad boy.  I won't lie, I"m a little bit of a perve, and couldn't resist showing it to everyone. I almost gave it to Kaitlynn, as I know she likes candy, but just couldn't bring myself to doing it.
  Instead, I took this picture, without thinking, posted it on my Facebook, and then ended up deleting it from there the next day as a mother of one of my Primary kids reminded me that I have youngsters on my friends list that shouldn't see that. Normally I would have edited it, created an exclusive list of people who are allowed to see it, but couldn't do that on my phone so I just deleted it.
  I've decided to keep it, who knows what I'll do with it in the future. One thing I know is that it's definately wise to watch what you eat. Some people wonder if it was made like that on purpose, but I believe that they're not hand made. Anyway, the little pervert in me came out. I just couldn't bring myself to eating this little thing, but had to show you.

My Best Friend

 I will never forget September 1, as it was a very sad day for me. The only happy moment in that day was when I got to go to Heather's ultra-sound, and listen to Kaitlynn ask, after being shown the "boy part" on the baby, "he doesn't have clothes on?" Heather and I laughed at that, and it took away my worries a little.

  Before we went to the Ultra-Sound, we discovered a grim problem with Mason. He couldn't use his back end very well. He struggled to walk, couldn't keep his balance and was very disoriented. I gave him some tylonal to ease his pain while I was at the ultra sound, but when I got back, my heart shattered when I saw that he had proceeded to go down hill. He began to lose control of his bladder, was really drooling, and couldn't walk at all. I called the vet and we got him in within an hour.
  The Vet confirmed that Mason had some kind of Neurological damage that could have been caused by a stroke or even cancer. They didn't know for sure, and wouldn't know for sure unless they ran blood work. At that moment, as I began to let the tears flow, I looked at how much my sweet boy was suffering, and then tearfully told the Vet that it'd be better to just let him go. I figured what's the point of spending more money, just to confirm that he was at the end of his road, and continue keeping him in pain while we found a diagnosis. I looked my best friend, my baby boy in the eyes, and knew this is what he wanted too. When the vet and his tech left the room, Dave brought Kaitlynn , Heather and Troy into the room to say their goodbyes. Kaitlynn kissed his head, told him she loved him, and then left to play again. The tears started flowing when I watched Troy with him.  He gave Mason the biggest hug he could, said "Bye bye, I love you" in the clearest voice he could, and they left the room. Dave followed behind, leaving me alone to say my farewells.
  I looked my sweet baby boy in the eyes, and for 1 minute, they focused on me, taking in what I was saying, and in a way, telling me that he loved me so much. I knew I was making the right decision, that he was grateful, and then, after laying my blanket on the ground for him, he got onto it, lied on my lap, and I held his head, hugging him, talking sweetly to him, and crying. That's how they found me when they came in to euthanize him. Mason didn't struggle when they put the needle in, like he usually would, he looked at me as if to thank me, then he was gone. My heart left with him, and I knew that life would never be the same again. They gave him a little more drugs after that, to make sure that he really was gone, and while we were waiting for the tech to get back with them, I happened to catch the song playing on the radio, and told the Vet it wasn't a good song to play at the moment. It was "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish. I bawled and bawled, knowing my best friend, that sweet little puppy that won so many people over in his life, had to move on to another adventure without me, and it killed me.
  We wrapped the blanket around him, put him on a stretcher and carried him to the truck. When we got home, Dad had the grave dug, and ready for Mason. Kaitlynn and I kissed him one last time, and watched as he was burried. Things haven't been the same since. I have a hard time when I leave because when I get back, I expect to be greeted at the door with his big smile, happy to see me, but it's not there. I get up in the morning, look on the floor to make sure I don't step on him, but he's not there. A lot of people don't really understand the bond he and I had, yes, he was a pet, to most people, but to me, he was so much more than that. He was a protector, a companion, a friend, and the love of my life. I didn't want to let go of him, but had to, and look forward to the day I'll get to see him again. For now, like I told him in that little exam room, he's taking care of my kids, looking down on me, making sure I"m ok. I know that with time, I will be able to move on, and that he's not suffering anymore. I miss him so much more than I even imagined, and am taking things one day at time.

"The greatest gift we can give one another is rapt attention to one another's exixtance."
 
Mason, you truly did that to me. You were by me through thick and thin, were my best friend and was always there for me. I miss you and love you so much!