Young Womens and ME

  The photo above is of the Young Women's Values: Faith (White), Divine Nature (Blue), Indivitual Worth (Red), Knowledge (Green), Choice and Accountability (Orange), Good Works (Yellow), Integrity (Purple) and Virtue (Gold). Since I've been put in as 2nd Counselor in the Young Womens, it's started me thinking about my life, and how I'm living it. Each Sunday as we say the Theme, I wonder if I'm living it, and am a good example for the girls.
  I won't lie, I've had a pretty unflavorable past, one that many people would frown upon, but it's just that, my past. I KNEW what I was doing at that time was wrong, but  I did it anyway because I was curious, and I wouldn't change that for anything. I lived with somebody of the opposite sex BEFORE marriage, but NEVER slept together. I drank, tried smoking (that ended quickly) and wasn't living like I should. I turned things around with Dave when he joined the Church, and have strived to live the gospel, though I've slipped a few times.
  Last year I got my recommend back to attend the Temple, just in time to try to heal myself from the false accusations I recieved by my "boss" at the time. This year I attended the temple a few times, and desire greatly to go again, SOON. I missed my primary class dearly while I was in Texas, and looked forward to seeing them upon my return. It was short lived because a few months later, I was released and put into Young Womens. Since I've been in, I've been struggeling with trying to connect with not only the Girls, but also the Presidency, and Advisors. I'm having a hard time trying to do my job because I STRONGLY feel like one of the women is trying to take over everyone's job, and I don't know how to address it without hurting feelings.
  I had a long talk with the Advisor in Young Womens today, and it's refreshing to know I'm not the only one who sees this going on, and came up with TACTFUL ideas on how to address the problem. She agrees that Young Womens isn't going to function properly as long as the Presidency is not in sync with each other and that it needs to be handled quickly. Anyway, knowing the girls can and probably have already picked up on the contention and what's going on, I've decided to focus on MY "Job Description" and what my calling entails. I am going to "strive to live and act upon these values" and be that example for the Young Women that I should be. I'm going to challenge the girls to do their Personal Progress and work on mine as well. I want to be more than just their leader, I want to be their friend.
  This upcomming year, I'm going to focus on bettering myself and finding ways to live my calling. I want to be successful and also want to improve my relationship with my Savior. I pray that this upcomming year will be a good one, and start out better than this year did. I also hope to keep updated on my blogs more often, talk to others more and keep up with family far away, we'll see what changes I make in 2013!

Growing

  There's a lot of truth to this saying, how many times do we focus on the past, rather than build our future? This year started out pretty cruddy for me, and it took me to a really dark place. I didn't think very highly of myself, didn't like the way I looked, and was just completely destroyed as a person. The saying is true, you really have to reach rock bottom before you can start rising up to the top.
   I had a LOT of time to think about things while I was living in Houston,  I wasn't watching Harper any longer, so I had the whole house to myself during the days, and at first I was terrified. I would watch TV half the day, then sweep the house, wash dishes and then play around on the computer. When Dan and Chrystal came home, it was dinner, then TV after Harper's bath and bedtime. I made it a point from the day I landed in Houston, to the day I returned home to Idaho, to write in my journal daily. I didn't have a specific topic, mostly wrote about how my day was, then there ewas a change. Instead of always writing about the day, I'd incorporate how I was feeling that day.
   Since I've returned home, I haven't kept up on my Journal like I've wanted to, missed days, weeks, even months, but when I get a chance to sit down and write in it, and attempt to get caught up, I put stories in it, memories of good times, things I want future generations to know about me, what I was like, and just get to know how I ticked. I haven't really had too much time to myself, except when I'm working but those times when I get to sit and deeply think, I think about the ways I want to improve my life and make myself happy. I've started focusing on the Gospel more, trying to build a relationship with my savior, and strengthening my relationship with my husband. I try to think or look for 1 thing that's positive each day, and on the days when I think about the negative things that've happened in my past, I try to think of the positive things.
  This year alone I've been truly blessed, starting off with weight loss. In January, just before I flew to Houston, I weighed in at 175lbs. With the few months of exercise, the Green2o and Sxinney, and being more aware of what I'm eating, I've managed to lose 20lbs. I'm currently weighing in at 159lbs, and have even dropped down to 158. I don't have so many downers and though I hate the way my teeth are decayed or missing, I'm smiling more than I have in years. It's refreshing to get into clothes I haven't been able to wear for years. I struggle still, but not as much, and when faced with a problem, I try to work it out, or ask for help. I'm learning to not be so hard on myself, or to let people push me over and take advantage of me. I don't know how much progress I can make or am making, but I'm putting forth the effort, and that's all that matters, right?

VACATION!!!

 This was taken 2 days after Dave got into Houston after going 3 weeks without seeing me. March 2, 2012. We took Dan and Chrystal to lunch at Lupe's. Dan met us there because he had to work, and Chrystal took the day off to take us to our Rental Car.

I will honestly say that I will never forget this day. Our waiter was Jesus, and when Dan told him that we needed lots of chips because "I" eat them all, I told him after the waiter left "Dan, I can't believe you lied to Jesus." Dave, Chrystal and I laughed at that and then we got our meal after waiting a while, and enjoyed each other's company. After lunch was over, Dan went back to work and Chrystal took us back to the house to pick up our insurance for the rental car. Harper decided we needed to wait before we got to the rental place, so he could eat. After all was said and done, Chrystal got us to HERTZ and we got our car about an hour later. It cost us an extra $220 because our insurance didn't cover it, but it was ok. They issued us a 4 door, "Espresso Black" Nissan Sentra. I liked it and was quite terrified to drive in Houston traffic for the first time. Armed with Dan and Chrystal's GPS we went out and headed shopping. We figured that it would be best to get the groceries first and surprisingly I had no problems with traffic or getting to MOST of the destinations. After shopping, we headed back to the house and gathered the rest of our things and set off to Galveston for our week together.

Dave and I decided to grab dinner at Chik-Fil-A and when I put it into the GPS, it took me to the heart of Houston. I was so frustrated when I found out it took me to a mall that I just said screw it and headed to Galveston without dinner. When we got checked into the condo and everything put away, we decided to head out to Wal Mart and maybe find a bite to eat. We got the little stuff we needed at Wal Mart then stopped by Sonic for dinner <----BIG DISAPPOINTMENT!! All in all, it was a GREAT start to a well needed and cherished vacation with my husband!

Bentley Austin Larimer

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to introduce to you, #13: Bentley Austin Larimer. He made his appearance January 17th at 2:05pm. Bentley weighed in at 6lbs 5oz, and 19 1/2in long. Heather was given an epidural but didn't have time for it to kick in. Before long, she was holding Bentley in her arms.
   I love being around the little ones, and Bentley makes #13 in the line of Nieces and Nephews for me. It saddens me that I wont' get to bond with him or get to know him for much more than 3 weeks, but it'll be good to get to know Harper. I am thankful to my family for trusting in me enough to let me near their kids. This situation with my "friend" and her kids has really destroyed me mentally and emotionally, and though I find myself second guessing myself and questioning how I am with the kids now, it's comforting to know that my family trusts me. It's good to know that they know that I would NEVER hurt a child, and encourage me to lend a hand.
  Though I'll be missing out on about 7months of Bentley's life, I look forward to watching him grow, and see his little personality emerge. I look forward to getting to know Harper, helping him grow and learn. Because of my situation at hand, though people tell me I need to get out of child care all together, I cannot. Like I told my younger brother today, because I have no kids of my own, it helps to be around everyone else's. Children are my passion, and I can't just walk away. I'm sure people won't fully understand it, kids aren't for some people, but for me, well, I invest not only time when I watch children, but my heart as well. All I want for the kids I run into in my life, is their well being, to make an impact on their life, and help them learn and grow. To those of you who have never lost faith/trust in me with children, thank you. I lost my confidence, and my aim is to get that back while I'm with Harper, Dan and Chrystal.

Happy Birthday To Me.......Yeah Right!!!

   The cake says it all!  Here's the story, I've had a really hard time with some issues that has come up with a "friend" lately, and I haven't had a dry eye since Tuesday night. This friend won't talk to me or work through these issues with me, and yes, it is VERY upsetting, especially with what the whole thing is about. SO anyway, the title of this post is "Happy Birthday To Me......Yeah Right!!!" well, here's why it's that.
  Because of all the stuff going on since Tuesday night, I have taken Advil PM for my anxiety in hopes to sleep. I had no problems Tuesday night with it, but last night, when I took it, it took me FOREVER to fall asleep, and like clockwork, I was up by 7am this morning, and my instant thought was the situation I am in. The tears started flowing, heart continued to ache, and I just lied there, wishing I could re-do this week and change some things. The things that I'm accused of, loss of my job be it permanent or temporary, and the possible loss of a friend. Then when I open up Facebook, see the birthday wishes pour in, touched me, but not as deeply as I needed it to. I wish I could enjoy my birthday but the emptiness inside of me is overwhelming and won't go away, no matter how hard I try.
  If the emptiness wasn't enough to deal with, my dear sweet husband tried to fix me breakfast in bed. I absolutely LOVED the gesture, but couldn't eat what he fixed as he had pepper in it, which most of you know, doesn't agree with my tongue issues. He cut me apples instead, and I was greeted with the apples and a very happy 23mo. boy saying Happy Birthday to me. It was a little ray of sunshine in this dark storm I'm weathering. It's hard for me to make the best of my "special" day when I've got myself into a deep dark place. I'm trying, but today everything seems to go wrong. I was supposed to go to lunch with my sister, but instead, I wait until 3pm for Dave to get back from running an errand. I didn't get my paycheck from the School District, money I was counting on getting. So when we go to the store to find a cake, Dave, Troy and I were looking at them. I didn't want a white one, and really don't care for the whipped icing, then I ran across the one in the photo. The brown horse was origionally standing up. I joked with Dave and told him that we should get it because it had a dead horse on it. Yes, in my head it was the perfect tribute to my day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and well, I saw myself as the horse that gave up, lied down in the river and drowned itself. Why try to have a good birthday when it seems like all I am doing is beating a dead horse. Then when Heather got back from the store with it, she told me about the 2nd horse falling over, I just shook my head and told her, "It's typical for the day I've had". I know I'm negative, and YES, I did remind myself of 2 positive things (referring to my Jester's Jungle Blog entry) today, #1: Although I feel so alone right now, like nobody understands me or what I'm going through, I AM loved, and can see it the most in the shiny brown eyes of that 20mo running around the house all day. #2: It doesn't matter how depressed I am, how hard I am on myself or what I've done or haven't done, my husband loves me with all his heart. I KNOW this, but there are so many times where I don't feel loved or understood. I cannot lie, I hope the rest of the night gets better, and look forward to it being over with....

Showing a little Face....book!

 I chose this picture for my post, because in my mind, it's the road of life. We can choose to veer into the field to the left, and make bad choices in our life, or to the field to the right, and live the right way. I've been doing a lot of thinking, not just because of the holidays, but because that's what I've been doing to try to understand why I have my bouts of depression. Anyway, I had quite the interesting Chrsitmas Day, and though I'd LOVE to express my thoughts like everyone else on Facebook, I'm doing it here, a little more private, and more than likely, more raw as well, hence the title, "Showing a little Face.....book!" Anyway, I thought I'd share with you guys how my Christmas Day went down, and the things I learned about/from it.
    Although I no longer feel welcomed there, Dave and I drove to Jerome to visit his Family on Christmas Day. When we got there, nobody was home, so we spent a little time together enjoying each other's company and the smell of the Turkey cooking in the oven. Before long, the family came home, and I went out to the truck to charge my phone. Jacob got out of his vehicle, brought 2 gifts to my truck and said they were for Rj, the son he has with another woman. I let him put them in my truck, and then he told me he wanted to come with me to see him. I had to go there to pick a picture up and said that was fine, but he had to let everyone know where we were going. We had to wait an hour before we headed over there, and when the time came to go, as I was heading out the door, I heard " Where are you guys going?". I was too far away to hear what was answered, but Jacob's wife came to the truck and asked " Are you going to go see that B*&@$" and Jacob replied "No, I'm going to go see my son." and she slammed my door. After laying into her about slamming my door, we all got ready to pull out when Dave's dad came running out of the house, hollering for Jacob to come back and talk to him. He did, and as he got to his Dad, I sent Dave to make sure facts were set straight. Things began to get pretty ugly, and I was ready to gather our things, get Dave and head home. I heard Dave's dad say that Jacob was throwing away his family for a child nobody else can get to know, as that was said, Dave stepped in and started telling him that the child's mother WANTS him to know his dad's family. Before he could finish his sentence, his dad told him to butt out and that it was none of his business. One thing lead to another and the boys got in the truck and we left.
   When we got back, Dave's mom was in her room, his dad took Jacob into another room and  talked to Jacob, and Dave walked over to Dana, looked her in the eyes and had a lengthy lecture/talk to her. She tried to deny the extent of her involvement on the situation, said the kids weren't allowed near RJ because she wasn't and all other kinds of CHILDISH crap! Dave told her that he didn't care how or what happened, all that matters is the children at this point. He told her that it wasn't fair the kids got to know their "sister from another mister" but aren't allowed to know their "brother from another mother".  He didn't care how either came to be, it was childish to punish the kids just because both mothers don't see eye to eye or like each other. He also reinstated what we've been saying all along, she and Jacob need to leave  phones off or at home, drop the kids off  with the grandparents and go somewhere and talk. From there, he went into his mom's room to talk to her.
   I didn't hear much of that conversation, other than I went in and told her myself that Rj's mom wants him to get to know them and everyone else in the family, that I would make arrangements for them ALL to meet him. By this time, dinner was ready and we ate, and went about our Christmas business. When we left, we went by the Hospital to visit Dave's grandfather for a little bit. On our drive home, I found something out that just got me floored. While he was talking to her, Dave's mom told him something that I suspected for a while would happen. There's people in the family who firmly believe/think that the family is having problems because David decided to join the LDS church. Yes, I was quite mad at hearing this, seriously, do you have to be that ignorant? I just can't really understand how people can be so, ugh, I can't even find the words for it. Blaming family problems on a different religion as yours is like me saying I don't have kids because my sister has tattoos. Seriously folks, religion doesn't really cause problems, no matter what kind of religion it is. People cause problems, and if you're out accusing others and their beliefs for those problems, you're a big coward.  What gets me even more is that Dave and I are really not included in the family. I have began to consider ourselves "Black Sheep" because nobody on that side ever talks to us with the exception of Jacob or Rachel, unless it's about a birthday, we're never kept in the loop on what's going on in the family, and when we try to make contact, well, honestly, I've had a better conversation out of a wall. Despite feeling this way, I'm working with Rj's mom to get them to meet with Dave's family. I'm focusing on my husband and myself, and at this point, like I've told Rachel and Jacob, I'm gonna be there for Jacob, Rachel and the kids. Everyone else doesn't want a thing to do with us, well, that's their problems. I'm sorry, but "I Love You" are just words if you don't act on them, I have learned that by experience. Family used to be so important to me, and now, I wonder. Really, what does it mean anymore. I was thinking about the old saying "Blood is thicker than water" well, I've added a twist to that, "Blood is thicker than water because of all the CRAP in that blood." I'm done ranting, so I hope you all enjoyed, I enjoyed quite a few aspects of my Christmas with the In-Laws, but am glad it's over. Happy Holidays.

Patience Pays OFF!

 Ladies and Gents, I am so happy to announce that.......Dave and I are......................well we're expecting. Yup, we're expecting to go to the temple sometime this month. Yeah, I went there, me of all people. Anyways, it's been about 4yrs or so since Dave and I have had a VALID Temple Recommend. Today, after some work, we got our recommends. We still need to talk to the Stake Presidency, but that shouldn't be hard to do, and before the end of this year, we WILL make it through a session.
  I can also say that we're in the habit of paying tithing on a regular basis. Though I'm having some tough times, ups and downs, and feel like I'm always on a roller coaster, right  now, life seems to be getting back on track. It's a long road, and wont' be easy, but with the right support from people, I know I can do it. Today as I was waiting for Dave to get out of his interview, I looked at the Young Women's theme that was hanging on the wall. It was different from when I was in Young Womens, they added another value, and another line, but other than those changes, I knew it word for word, and I thought "That's what life's like, never the same, always changing." We can take the changes as good, or take them as bad, it's all on how we handle them. Thanks to my older brother's wisdom, I'm changing my outlook on life and how I handle things in them. It's a rough journey, and not a quick fix, but I'm willing to make the changes I need to.