Showing a little Face....book!

 I chose this picture for my post, because in my mind, it's the road of life. We can choose to veer into the field to the left, and make bad choices in our life, or to the field to the right, and live the right way. I've been doing a lot of thinking, not just because of the holidays, but because that's what I've been doing to try to understand why I have my bouts of depression. Anyway, I had quite the interesting Chrsitmas Day, and though I'd LOVE to express my thoughts like everyone else on Facebook, I'm doing it here, a little more private, and more than likely, more raw as well, hence the title, "Showing a little Face.....book!" Anyway, I thought I'd share with you guys how my Christmas Day went down, and the things I learned about/from it.
    Although I no longer feel welcomed there, Dave and I drove to Jerome to visit his Family on Christmas Day. When we got there, nobody was home, so we spent a little time together enjoying each other's company and the smell of the Turkey cooking in the oven. Before long, the family came home, and I went out to the truck to charge my phone. Jacob got out of his vehicle, brought 2 gifts to my truck and said they were for Rj, the son he has with another woman. I let him put them in my truck, and then he told me he wanted to come with me to see him. I had to go there to pick a picture up and said that was fine, but he had to let everyone know where we were going. We had to wait an hour before we headed over there, and when the time came to go, as I was heading out the door, I heard " Where are you guys going?". I was too far away to hear what was answered, but Jacob's wife came to the truck and asked " Are you going to go see that B*&@$" and Jacob replied "No, I'm going to go see my son." and she slammed my door. After laying into her about slamming my door, we all got ready to pull out when Dave's dad came running out of the house, hollering for Jacob to come back and talk to him. He did, and as he got to his Dad, I sent Dave to make sure facts were set straight. Things began to get pretty ugly, and I was ready to gather our things, get Dave and head home. I heard Dave's dad say that Jacob was throwing away his family for a child nobody else can get to know, as that was said, Dave stepped in and started telling him that the child's mother WANTS him to know his dad's family. Before he could finish his sentence, his dad told him to butt out and that it was none of his business. One thing lead to another and the boys got in the truck and we left.
   When we got back, Dave's mom was in her room, his dad took Jacob into another room and  talked to Jacob, and Dave walked over to Dana, looked her in the eyes and had a lengthy lecture/talk to her. She tried to deny the extent of her involvement on the situation, said the kids weren't allowed near RJ because she wasn't and all other kinds of CHILDISH crap! Dave told her that he didn't care how or what happened, all that matters is the children at this point. He told her that it wasn't fair the kids got to know their "sister from another mister" but aren't allowed to know their "brother from another mother".  He didn't care how either came to be, it was childish to punish the kids just because both mothers don't see eye to eye or like each other. He also reinstated what we've been saying all along, she and Jacob need to leave  phones off or at home, drop the kids off  with the grandparents and go somewhere and talk. From there, he went into his mom's room to talk to her.
   I didn't hear much of that conversation, other than I went in and told her myself that Rj's mom wants him to get to know them and everyone else in the family, that I would make arrangements for them ALL to meet him. By this time, dinner was ready and we ate, and went about our Christmas business. When we left, we went by the Hospital to visit Dave's grandfather for a little bit. On our drive home, I found something out that just got me floored. While he was talking to her, Dave's mom told him something that I suspected for a while would happen. There's people in the family who firmly believe/think that the family is having problems because David decided to join the LDS church. Yes, I was quite mad at hearing this, seriously, do you have to be that ignorant? I just can't really understand how people can be so, ugh, I can't even find the words for it. Blaming family problems on a different religion as yours is like me saying I don't have kids because my sister has tattoos. Seriously folks, religion doesn't really cause problems, no matter what kind of religion it is. People cause problems, and if you're out accusing others and their beliefs for those problems, you're a big coward.  What gets me even more is that Dave and I are really not included in the family. I have began to consider ourselves "Black Sheep" because nobody on that side ever talks to us with the exception of Jacob or Rachel, unless it's about a birthday, we're never kept in the loop on what's going on in the family, and when we try to make contact, well, honestly, I've had a better conversation out of a wall. Despite feeling this way, I'm working with Rj's mom to get them to meet with Dave's family. I'm focusing on my husband and myself, and at this point, like I've told Rachel and Jacob, I'm gonna be there for Jacob, Rachel and the kids. Everyone else doesn't want a thing to do with us, well, that's their problems. I'm sorry, but "I Love You" are just words if you don't act on them, I have learned that by experience. Family used to be so important to me, and now, I wonder. Really, what does it mean anymore. I was thinking about the old saying "Blood is thicker than water" well, I've added a twist to that, "Blood is thicker than water because of all the CRAP in that blood." I'm done ranting, so I hope you all enjoyed, I enjoyed quite a few aspects of my Christmas with the In-Laws, but am glad it's over. Happy Holidays.

Patience Pays OFF!

 Ladies and Gents, I am so happy to announce that.......Dave and I are......................well we're expecting. Yup, we're expecting to go to the temple sometime this month. Yeah, I went there, me of all people. Anyways, it's been about 4yrs or so since Dave and I have had a VALID Temple Recommend. Today, after some work, we got our recommends. We still need to talk to the Stake Presidency, but that shouldn't be hard to do, and before the end of this year, we WILL make it through a session.
  I can also say that we're in the habit of paying tithing on a regular basis. Though I'm having some tough times, ups and downs, and feel like I'm always on a roller coaster, right  now, life seems to be getting back on track. It's a long road, and wont' be easy, but with the right support from people, I know I can do it. Today as I was waiting for Dave to get out of his interview, I looked at the Young Women's theme that was hanging on the wall. It was different from when I was in Young Womens, they added another value, and another line, but other than those changes, I knew it word for word, and I thought "That's what life's like, never the same, always changing." We can take the changes as good, or take them as bad, it's all on how we handle them. Thanks to my older brother's wisdom, I'm changing my outlook on life and how I handle things in them. It's a rough journey, and not a quick fix, but I'm willing to make the changes I need to.

TURKEY DAY

 Ok, let me start out by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING! So it's not so happy for Turkeys everywhere, but what can we say, those birds are just so darn good, especially deep fried! Anyway, this week has been quite busy for me. I woke up Sunday morning with a really nasty headache. I figured it was due to a toothache, so that Monday morning I called the dentist. They said they could get me in at 10am, that morning, so Kaitlynn and I went. Before we went, I also made an appointment with my doc to be re-checked for a UTI. Kaitlynn had the experience of a lifetime there. Not only did they give her a balloon, but they let her take the X-Rays of my teeth, and spent some time with the receptionist. The dentist went to drill, and ended up busting off the whole face of one of the teeth. Sadly, I wasn't surprised something like that would have happened. After the dentist, I went back to watching the kids, and took it easy the rest of the day. Tuesday morning I went to the Doctor with Dave and the kids. They waited in the waiting room while I peed in the cup and found out that I just had a yeast infection caused by the meds given to me to cure my UTI.  We went home, got lunch and naps squared away, and when kids left and Mom got home, went to fill my prescription. We got all our shopping done for Thanksgiving dinner, and called it a night. Wednesday was spent baking pies, picking rolls up and cleaning. Mom did majority of the work, I tried to keep the kids out of the way. As I was online getting coloring pages, I somehow screwed up my part of the computer, and spent about 5hrs trying to fix it, we thought it was fixed by the time a VERY frustrated Jess went to bed.
  Dave and I slept in today, it was nice to be able to feel rested when we got up, had breakfast with the whole family and I found that my computer problem wasn't fixed. I spent about 3 1/2hrs trying to fix the problem, and I am VERY PROUD to say that I did it. I had a nice time with my family, cuddling with Tucker while watching the new Conan movie with Dave, laughing at/with Marsh and just relaxing and reflecting on life in general. I am thankful for my family, we don't always get along or talk to each other, but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. We have our quirks, but who doesn't? Hope you guys have a very happy Thanksgiving.

Reflecting

  Today my newest nephew, Harper Tritz Hollingsworth, is officially a week old. I was able to see some more pictures of him, and though I wanted to post a photo on here, I didn't because I haven't gotten permission from the parents. Anyway, with his birth, being around Tucker, Josie, Troy, Kaitlynn and Madison, and watching Heather prepare for Bently arriving into this world, adding my friend's new additions to their family, I've done a lot of thinking back on things, and though I shouldn't live in the past, it helps with the new editions around me.
  I joke that I was the first kid in my family to give my parents a grandchild. I'm pretty sure everyone has their doubts, but I know deep down in my heart that I was expecting, and lost that baby shortly into the pregnancy. At the time I lost the baby, I had suspicions that it was a miscarriage but wasn't 100% sure. I didn't dwell on it, but it was always in the back of my mind. Then when my sister in law miscarried, her and my brother came over and they described the whole thing, what it looked like, what she felt and all my doubts were wiped away. I knew right then that I had miscarried, and Dave agreed. What they were telling us, was exactly what I experienced, and they described it as if they were there when it happened.
  About a month ago, we went to Deseret Book for a few things. While we were looking around, I found this painting and instantly fell in love with it. When I read the caption, it brought tears to my eyes, because that painting depicts how I feel my baby that I lost is being cared for. I lost that little one so many years ago, but I know it's in good hands, and if I do what I am supposed to, I'll have a chance to hold that little one in my arms, to love it and raise it in the next life. I truly love my Nieces and Nephews, the little kiddos that are in my care, and have been in my care, but just once, I 'd love to be able to not have to give them back, to keep them and raise them. I've read my patriarchal blessing, Dave's too, and even though it's hard, I have the faith that the Lord has something special in mind for me, and I have to abide by the Lord's time, but it's so hard. I struggle to keep positive, have hope and faith that my turn will come. I am happy for my siblings, I love their kids, but dang it, I wanna be part of the Mommy Club dang it!!!!!
  I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, that's not my intention. I'm trying to just get feelings out that I can't seem to put into words when I TALK. Yes, I am jealous of everyone having babies, being unable to have any of my own, everyone says to not think about it, but when I say " I give up" I'm told not to. I don't think anyone fully understands that I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of having the hope that someday I'll be a mother, exhausted and I really don't think I can do it anymore. I say I give up, but really, I just don't want to think about it, and need to just focus on myself and other things. I have issues, those issues need to be resolved before I think of kids, and I have to ignore my biological clock in the meantime. I have to focus on putting my faith in the Lord, and remember that only HE knows what's best for me. Right now, I'm gonna love the little ones in my life with all my heart, and be the best Aunt that I can be for them. I really am happy for my siblings, and welcome Harper with open arms and a open heart.

Lucky #13

  Ok, for years I've been saying that 13 is my lucky number. I know that a lot of people think that particular number is jinxed  but it's always seemed to bring me luck.
  I was lucky to share 13yrs of my life with the best friend I could have ever had. I don't care if he was a dog, Mason was my best friend and I could count on him come hell or high water. He helped me through 13yrs of a roller coaster ride that at times, I wanted more than anything to get off of.
   Now, 13 is the number of Nieces and Nephews I have between the Hollingsworth and the Lage families. We have on the boys: Isaac, Matthew, Joshua, Tucker, Troy, RJ, Andre, Harper and Bently will be coming soon. On the Girls, we have: Sara, Faith, Destiny and Josie. Our newest arrival came on November 9, 2011. He is Harper Tritz Hollingsworth and I am a very happy aunt. I look forward to meeting him in a few months but until then have to settle with pictures. Mom and baby are doing just fine. He was born at 7:03am, weighed in at 6lbs, 2oz and is 18 3/4in long. From the pictures, he's adorable and looks a lot like his mommy (Sorry Dan.). As you all know, I've wanted kids for a really long time, and though it's really hard to see everyone else having the one thing I desire, I want those of you who know my situation, to know that I am genuinely happy for you guys. Dan, Chrystal, thank you so much for keeping me UTD on things, nobody really understands that it's easier on me if I'm included in the loop so to speak, rather than people hiding it from me or worried it'll upset me. I don't like feeling like everyone has to hide their pregnancy, or happieness because of me, it makes things harder for me. I may not be a mother or have kids of my own, but to be included in the lives of my nieces and nephews fills that void more than anyone will know. Once again, I am so happy for the new parents, and can't wait to meet you in person Harper. Aunt Jess loves you much more than you will ever know, just as much as your cousins!

Quite A Night

  Ok, so on Friday night, Dave and I took the kids out and walked around the stores for a bit, then picked Pizza up for dinner and headed home. It was snowing nicely, and when we got towards the house, I saw a white pick up pull out of the driveway, and head the opposite direction as I was. The car in front of me immediately flipped a U-turn and flagged the truck down. Thinking it was a little odd, but thought maybe they knew each other and somebody forgot something, I pulled into the driveway and went in the house with Dave and the kids. Not even 10 minutes went by when we heard a knock on our door. It was our neighbor telling us that somebody just ran into one of the cars in our driveway and the person fled the scene. She said her and her husband flagged the driver down and got her license plate number. Police were called and that was the beginning of an exciting evening.
  As mom was on the phone with dispatch, I walked in and told her that an officer was already there, and by the time she hung up the phone, two more arrived with lights flashing. I went next door to fill Nicole in on what was going on, and as I was talking to her, you could hear the woman who hit the vehicle (it was a Cadillac that my brother sold an hour prior to being hit) refuse to cooperate with the police, and fight them. It took 3 officers to cuff her and get her into the back of one of the squad cars, all the while trying to calm her boyfriend down as well. I guess what had happened was she was going to see her boyfriend who lives about 3 houses away from us. She pulled into the neighbor's driveway (the ones who flagged her down) almost hitting them, then into our gravel drive way, then into our other driveway hitting the Caddy. What I saw when I was heading home was her backing out of the Caddy and leaving.
  Marsh, Emily and the kids showed up shortly after police arrived, and Tucker went nuts over the flashing lights. Once all was said and done, everyone froze and the police left, we resumed business as usual. It was not until 3 days later that we found out that they published it in the local paper, address and all of where it happened. The woman was charged with a DUI and I THINK resisting arrest. It's rarely dull and boring here at the Hollingsworth residence. That's what makes our life fun and eventful, and isn't it what makes memories too?

Ooohh MY!

  Well, the title and picture basically say it all. My friend just recently found a guy after being divorced for a year. She has a full time job, does odd jobs on the side to make ends meet, and though she has custody of the kids ALL the time, she has to pay CHILD SUPPORT! Her ex found out that she found a guy she really likes, and the kids totally love, and he freaked. Although engaged himself, he tells her he misses her, wants her back, and disregards her rejections.

 Last week, she broke the news that she was moving in with this guy. He started freaking out even more, threatened to take full custody of the kids and said all kinds of horribly mean things to my friend. He then dragged me into the fight, saying that because I posted on a "dating" site that I was looking for friends and happily married, I was a cheater. He told my friend that I was no longer allowed around his children and that they'd be taken from her because she was an unfit mom. My friend talks to me about her problems, as friends do, and because I live in a house with my sister and my parents as well, it's easy for conversations to be overheard. My sister got sick of it and sent this guy a private message without my knowledge. Later that day, I get a phone call from my friend saying she's going to have to fire me because in their divorce agreement, they have to agree on child care, and he refused to let me watch the kids. She asked about what my sister sent him, and I told her that I had no clue what it said, that I didn't even know she did until now. I told her that I shouldn't be punished for the actions of my siblings and family members and wanted to know why he was so against me watching the kids.
  I started crying, telling her it wasn't because I was losing the kids, but because I was afraid for her and the kids, that they don't deserve what he's doing to them and it hurts to see them go through it. She said she understands, and plans on taking him to court. Today, I got the kids, and get them tomorrow for the last time. It breaks my heart to see them go, considering I've been watching the oldest (5yrs) since she was 4mo. my heart broke even more when I told this little kiddo that I wouldn't be watching her anymore, and she frowned, saying " I don't want anyone else to watch me but you." It's hard to explain the grown up aspects to a 5yr old who sees you as her best friend. Only time will tell what comes of everything, I can't change things, tell my friend what to do, or even fix anything, but I can, and will continue to , pray for them. It's not fair that people like that "man" can get away with what he does, and everyone else has to pay for it, especially his children, whom he only really sees as bargaining chips.

Wedded Bliss

  Ok, some of you may not find the humor in all this, that's fine, but I just have to share this story with you, it really cracked me up. For those of you who know, my friend's ex husband is psycho, and completely NUTS! Last night when she picked her kids up, she told me that he said I was cheating on my husband because I had a profile on a dating site. I laughed, just laughed at what he'd told her, because she already knew I had a profile and the whole story behind that profile, here's that story:

A few months back, my friend said that she'd looked at a site, www.plentyoffish.com and found her ex's profile on there. She told me that it was established while they were still married, before their son came along and then proceeded to tell me what he was "looking for" on that site. Of course, after getting off the phone with her and talking to my husband, curiosity got the best of us, and we started searching the site for him. Almost immediately, I got "red tape" so to speak, as I couldn't look at any profiles unless I made one myself. I got the hubby, we sat down and opened up a profile. It stated that I am happily married, that we were looking for friends, and that was all. As soon as that was set up, I found my friend's ex, and sure enough, his profile was established long before their youngest kid was born, that he'd been looking for a possible long term relationship and other lies on there. My husband and I just laughed, thinking that whomever answered that profile was in for a big surprise the moment they spent an hour with the guy.
   After that night, my husband and I totally forgot about POF, didn't check to see if there were any messages, nor did I de-activate my profile. Honestly, I didn't even think much of it or how it looks, until last night. After my friend left with her kids, my husband and I got onto the POF site, and looked at the profile again to see if there was something I did to make people think I was cheating. The only thing I did wrong was put a picture of just ME as my profile photo, so I changed it to my wedding pic. I also put that we were looking for a friendship in bold letters. I don't feel guilty about anything, see nothing wrong with my profile, and I'm pretty sure that in the very near future, I'm gonna remove my profile, but right now, it's fun to know it gets under this guy's skin. I hope you guys found this as funny as my husband and I did. Enjoy!

Oh My CANDY CORN

  Ok, so I am chowing down on some Candy Corn late at night, when all of a sudden I run across this bad boy.  I won't lie, I"m a little bit of a perve, and couldn't resist showing it to everyone. I almost gave it to Kaitlynn, as I know she likes candy, but just couldn't bring myself to doing it.
  Instead, I took this picture, without thinking, posted it on my Facebook, and then ended up deleting it from there the next day as a mother of one of my Primary kids reminded me that I have youngsters on my friends list that shouldn't see that. Normally I would have edited it, created an exclusive list of people who are allowed to see it, but couldn't do that on my phone so I just deleted it.
  I've decided to keep it, who knows what I'll do with it in the future. One thing I know is that it's definately wise to watch what you eat. Some people wonder if it was made like that on purpose, but I believe that they're not hand made. Anyway, the little pervert in me came out. I just couldn't bring myself to eating this little thing, but had to show you.

My Best Friend

 I will never forget September 1, as it was a very sad day for me. The only happy moment in that day was when I got to go to Heather's ultra-sound, and listen to Kaitlynn ask, after being shown the "boy part" on the baby, "he doesn't have clothes on?" Heather and I laughed at that, and it took away my worries a little.

  Before we went to the Ultra-Sound, we discovered a grim problem with Mason. He couldn't use his back end very well. He struggled to walk, couldn't keep his balance and was very disoriented. I gave him some tylonal to ease his pain while I was at the ultra sound, but when I got back, my heart shattered when I saw that he had proceeded to go down hill. He began to lose control of his bladder, was really drooling, and couldn't walk at all. I called the vet and we got him in within an hour.
  The Vet confirmed that Mason had some kind of Neurological damage that could have been caused by a stroke or even cancer. They didn't know for sure, and wouldn't know for sure unless they ran blood work. At that moment, as I began to let the tears flow, I looked at how much my sweet boy was suffering, and then tearfully told the Vet that it'd be better to just let him go. I figured what's the point of spending more money, just to confirm that he was at the end of his road, and continue keeping him in pain while we found a diagnosis. I looked my best friend, my baby boy in the eyes, and knew this is what he wanted too. When the vet and his tech left the room, Dave brought Kaitlynn , Heather and Troy into the room to say their goodbyes. Kaitlynn kissed his head, told him she loved him, and then left to play again. The tears started flowing when I watched Troy with him.  He gave Mason the biggest hug he could, said "Bye bye, I love you" in the clearest voice he could, and they left the room. Dave followed behind, leaving me alone to say my farewells.
  I looked my sweet baby boy in the eyes, and for 1 minute, they focused on me, taking in what I was saying, and in a way, telling me that he loved me so much. I knew I was making the right decision, that he was grateful, and then, after laying my blanket on the ground for him, he got onto it, lied on my lap, and I held his head, hugging him, talking sweetly to him, and crying. That's how they found me when they came in to euthanize him. Mason didn't struggle when they put the needle in, like he usually would, he looked at me as if to thank me, then he was gone. My heart left with him, and I knew that life would never be the same again. They gave him a little more drugs after that, to make sure that he really was gone, and while we were waiting for the tech to get back with them, I happened to catch the song playing on the radio, and told the Vet it wasn't a good song to play at the moment. It was "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish. I bawled and bawled, knowing my best friend, that sweet little puppy that won so many people over in his life, had to move on to another adventure without me, and it killed me.
  We wrapped the blanket around him, put him on a stretcher and carried him to the truck. When we got home, Dad had the grave dug, and ready for Mason. Kaitlynn and I kissed him one last time, and watched as he was burried. Things haven't been the same since. I have a hard time when I leave because when I get back, I expect to be greeted at the door with his big smile, happy to see me, but it's not there. I get up in the morning, look on the floor to make sure I don't step on him, but he's not there. A lot of people don't really understand the bond he and I had, yes, he was a pet, to most people, but to me, he was so much more than that. He was a protector, a companion, a friend, and the love of my life. I didn't want to let go of him, but had to, and look forward to the day I'll get to see him again. For now, like I told him in that little exam room, he's taking care of my kids, looking down on me, making sure I"m ok. I know that with time, I will be able to move on, and that he's not suffering anymore. I miss him so much more than I even imagined, and am taking things one day at time.

"The greatest gift we can give one another is rapt attention to one another's exixtance."
 
Mason, you truly did that to me. You were by me through thick and thin, were my best friend and was always there for me. I miss you and love you so much!

7 Years and Counting.....

 Well, Dave and I have made it to our 7yr mark, at least as an official married couple. We've been together for 10 full years, and yesterday marked our 7th Anniversary. This year was the first time I've looked forward to our trip we take. Maybe it's because we didn't have a honeymoon, or the "Anniversary Trips" we've taken have been "fly by the seat of our pants" type of trips, where they're last minute and poorly planned. 
  This year, I sat down and decided to plan it, and what we'd be doing. Our destination: Salt Lake City, Ut. When Dave got his check, we logged in to Priceline, named our price and were booked at the Little America for a total of $155. I was excited to be staying 2 nights in a 4 star hotel for such a little price. I then got online and looked into things we could do that was inexpensive and we'd both enjoy doing. 
  I kind of wanted to avoid doing a lot at Temple Square, as we go there every time we go to Salt Lake, and Dave was tired of going to zoos, so I looked up other things. I found This is The Place Heritage Monument's website, and saw that they were having a "Real Mountain Man" exhibit while we were there. I figured we could afford the $20 as a couple to go to it, and put it on the "to do " list. Then we planned on going to see Pirates of The Caribbean 3D, check a few other places out and just unwind from everything. The day we got ready to go went pretty rough for me, we had some unexpected expenses, stress levels shot through the roof, and I was just ready to give up. As soon as we hit the road, I started to unwind and just enjoy my time with my husband. I annoyed the crap out of Dave with the music choice, constant talk about kids and everything else, and then lost myself in taking pictures and thinking. 
  Once we were in Salt Lake and got things going, we had a wonderful weekend, though we returned home with no money but fully relaxed and happy. I'm looking forward to another 40+years with Dave, and hope he feels the same way. If you're interested on our activities from our anniversary, check out Jester's Jungle at www.jestermason.blogspot.com in the next day or two.

Goodbye is Forever...

 Shakspeare  said it best when he said "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Yesterday Dante went to his new home, and it was harder than I thought to let him go. 
 Origionaly the lady was to get him today, but we rushed at getting him ready and Heather and "Monroe" drove him to his new home. Dave came up to say goodbye, and it really yanked at my heart strings to watch my husband cry, really cry, over a dog that he said he'd have no problems parting with. 
  I let his new owner know how we've been feeding him, what he needs, who is Vet is and anything else that she wanted to know. I told her that she could feed him what and how he wanted, that at first, he'd have the runs and gas until his body adjusted. She said that was fine, and asked if we could keep in touch just in case she has anymore questions. I told her that we'd absolutely love that, then were given the invitation to visit Dante anytime we wanted. She was also told that if it didn't work out, she could bring him back here and we'd re-home him if we didn't have a place of our own.
  I wanted so bad to tell Dave "I told you so" when he kept saying he was not as attached to Dante as I am to Mason, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. We know this was the right decision for him, and the best thing as well. We're not giving up on him, but giving him a better quality of life that he needs.

It Rains, It Pours-Literally

Over the past few months we've been blessed with a lot of rain, too much for the rivers actually.  We've had so much rain that the rivers have been flooding pretty bad, and this picture is just a little idea of what I'm talking about. This is a picture of a picnic table at Sacajawea Park. It's results of the Portneuf River flooding, and I was standing at least 10ft away from it. 
  
I know that it's not the best thing, but I love looking at the extent of the floods around, and how it effects the environment around us. While at Sacajawea Park, we couldn't wander very far without being stopped by water, but once again, I started thinking and told Dave that God knows what he's doing. I was told that some think that God is angry, and that may be true, but though it can and probably is causing LOTS of damage, but it's so beautiful to see. Lately, this is what I've been doing when I need to unwind. IF it's not cold or raining, I'll just take a walk, and take pictures of anything that spark my interest, otherwise I get into the truck and we drive to a spot and I shoot whatever intrigues me. I always find a sense of peace and closer to my maker when I'm outdoors, away from the rush of life and things.

Spiritual Thought: OH MY!!

 I took this picture when Dave and I returned Jacob to Idaho Falls this past Sunday. As I was sitting there, listening to the water rush, and taking in the view, I began to think about a lot of things. Looking at the tree, standing firmly on the rock with gallons of water rushing around it, never giving to the heavy flow, I began comparing it to life in general. Maybe it's because I've been teaching Primary for the past few months, maybe I caught the spirit as I sat on the side of the rivier, but this is what I came up with, feel free to share your thoughts.

I "likened" the tree as to ourselves, the rock as the gospel, and the river is the world.  When you look at the picture, you can see the debris in the background. As a person, you could be the debris, or you could be the tree. For so many years, I've been the debris, floating around, going along with the flow so to speak. The tree, firmly planted on the rock, has been me lately. Standing on that rock, relying on its strength to keep it strong, it like me, relying on the gospel to keep me strong. Lately, it seems like everyone likes to use me as their "shit stick" or punching bag. I'm to blame for a marriage falling apart, a family shattered to pieces, under-weight kids, and probably even somebody's turds not smelling right. At my lowest the last few weeks, I've wanted to find myself some "concrete shoes" and go swimming in the over-flowing Snake River. When I have these thoughts though, I think of the many things I have around me that I shouldn't give up on. Like the tree relies on the rock, I need to rely on the Gospel much more than I use to. I feel like the overflowing, crazy river of life's problems are trying to knock me down, and like the smaller tree in this picture, thought I appear to be drowning among the troubles, I'm taking a firm grip on the gospel and relying on it for my strength.
Ok, so this all sounded much better and clearer in my head, but doesn't everything? You guys pretty much have an idea though, as to why I am thinking the way I am.

~Wildflower~

"She's faced the hardest times you could imagine.
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in, Each time her slender shoulders, bore the weight of All her fears, and the sorrow no one hears, still rings In midnight silence, in her ears....

 Let her cry, for she's a lady. Let her dream, for she's a child. Let the rain fall down upon her, she's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

 And if by chance that I should touch her, let me hold her for a time. And if allowed but one possession, I will pick her from the garden to be mine. Be careful how you touch her, for she'll awaken, and sleep's the only freedom that she knows. And when you walk into her eyes you won't believe, the way she's always payin' for a debt she never owes. And the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear, and so she goes."

When I first heard this song, I was in a rough patch in my life. I quickly felt this song was the best one out there that described how I felt about myself, and it became my "theme song" so to speak. Through the years since then, it has been an appropriate choice. Currently my brother in law is having marital problems. I know with this entry, it's going to start a fire with people, but now's time to throw the shit into the fan so to speak. I've not hidden the fact that I dislike, ok, HATE this brother in law's wife. I have almost since day 1 of meeting her, and have tried to like her for everyone's sake, but just couldn't bring myself to doing it, and haven't hidden it anymore.
 
 Because I have such a hate for her, it seems like they like to blame me for things that go wrong in the family, like she tries to make them think it's my fault. I am closer to my brother in law than I am with the rest of my husband's family, mainly because he talks to me more than everyone else does. When she gets her feelings hurt or can't handle things, she runs and cries to my in-laws, twisting everything into her favor, making herself look good, like her poop smells like roses. I'm tired of that, and from what I've seen my brother in law doesn't get that "Luxury" to vent to very many UNBIASED people so he turns to me, knowing I  will listen and not go off on him. Keep in mind, I only hear one side of the story, and regardless of how I feel about this "Little Girl" (I use the term "Little Girl" as she can't own up to her own mistakes and has to blame others for her actions. She also can't face her problems as an ADULT and has to run to mommy and daddy when something happens.) I don't try to get involved. The only thing I have really said to him was/is "Sit down without anyone and actually talk to her, tell her how you feel and go from there"

  Recently he's moved to Idaho Falls, and she and the kids are still in Jerome. Since he moved there, he's spent the weekends with us and every time he goes back to Idaho Falls, she gets after him for something stupid, knowing he was around us. Whenever he decides he wants to share his feelings with her, if they are what she doesn't want to hear, she runs and cries to HIS parents, rather than own up to the cause and try to settle it as a couple. Because of this, I have now been the blame of all their problems, and my Father in law backs her up on all of it. I think it's sad that even though we've basically been "outcasts" in their family, they go further and basically tell the ONLY one who makes the effort to talk to us, not to because we're bad for him.

I once believed in the importance of family, but as each day goes by, that belief has vanished. As I said before, I'm knowingly throwing the "crap into the fan" at this point, but feel like I have nothing to lose. I've tried and tried, but it's no use "beating a dead horse" so now the balls in their court, and they know where to find me. To those family members who read this, I am not to blame, it is not, nor has it ever been my fault that this Brother In Law got his spine back and stood for how he feels.

Why I Do This

 Ok, so all of you who are reading this know that for over 6yrs, I've struggled to get pregnant, lost a pregnancy, and struggle to stay strong with each pregnancy in the family.

 This is something that I should have done a long time ago, and I need to let everyone know this. First of all, to Chrystal and Heather, and their spouses, CONGRATS! I couldn't be happier for you guys. Same with Rachel and Andy, I can't wait to see my new nephew.

  That being said, I really appreciate the consideration of my feelings being spared when you find out you're expecting, but at the same time, it makes it worse if you don't tell me. In the long run, don't hesitate to share the good news, because beneath the tears, I really genuinely am happy for you. I may not be a mom, but I can be the best Aunt those kids can see and know. That being said, I want to share with everyone why it is that I cry when I hear the good news, and why I also hurt. I don't know that very many people know as I kept my pain deep within myself, but deep down , in the bottom of my heart, I believe that I was expecting about 4yrs ago, but lost it a few weeks into the pregnancy. Because the pregnancy test came back negative, Dave didn't believe me, but deep in my heart, I knew. Then when Emily miscarried before Tucker came along, and told us all about it, Dave knew I was too pregnant.

   I don't cry because I can't have kids as easy as others, but because every time somebody mentions they're expecting, I think of that little one I lost. My child would be about 4 or 5yrs old right now, maybe younger, don't remember for sure. I hide the pain I feel every day for that child, and though I come across as sad or hurt, I really truly am happy for my friends and siblings who are expecting. 

A New Chapter

 Well, everyone pretty much knows by now, that I'm
losing my little alarm clock. Chas got his job in WY, and next week Heather and Troy will be moving there as well. I have mixed emotions about it, sure, I'm happy that they're going to be able to live together as a family in a place of their own, but at the same time....

I've developed the relationship I've always wanted with my sister. We have started scrap booking together, and I'm used to seeing her and Troy each and every day. Troy has been around me since he was born, when Heather had post partum, I stepped in and tried to help any way I could with the baby, and at times, even just took him from her to give her a break.Since his birth, as with Tucker, and all my other nieces and nephews, Troy has woven his way so deep into my heart, that I know I'm gonna miss his goofy smiles, bath times, and even playing Andrea Bocelli at night when he's sleepy.

I hope that I get to see him more often than not, but only time will tell. I will miss the scrap booking with Heather, just sitting around talking to her, and yes, even fighting with her a little bit. I am happy for them, selfishness aside, and only wish them the best. Hopefully Dave and I will be moving on soon, fingers are crossed and the search is deep. We're working on cutting out bills that are not necessary, and though it took time and work, I managed to single handedly knock out $200 + a month by working on getting out of my Inches A Weigh contract. I had told them that I cannot afford it anymore, then after the owner e-mailed me back saying he'd be happy to postpone 2 payments, I told him that it wasn't a solution to the problem, that I wasn't happy with how I've been treated there also. Last night when I logged into my E-Mail, I found a message from the Owner of Inches A Weigh, he said that he releases me from the contract and the payments. It was like Christmas all over again.